Hallmark Movies

A Royal Setting

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Uneasy Lies the Head…

This was pretty bad. It’s, still another, royal movie. That is to say, we know the plot and the characters before we even get to the big city panorama scene that opens almost all Hallmarks. And this one does not have anything noteworthy about it to lift it out of Royal Disaster territory. The only notable thing about it has nothing to do with the movie, but that it marks Jen Lilley’s return to Hallmark after years of banishment while making movies for the “traditional faith and family” oriented GAF channel (certain types of families and certain types of faiths). By all accounts she is thrilled to be back. It’s too bad Hallmark didn’t see fit to throw her a parade instead of saddling her with this bad excuse for a movie. I am not a fan of Jen Lilley. The only actor I was sorry to see leave Hallmark for GAF was Merritt Patterson, and also actually Candace Cameron Bure because as Hallmark’s Queen of Christmas, they usually gave her above average material to work with*.

Ruby is a renowned gemologist, this year’s winner of Gemologist Quarterly’s Gemologist Inspirational Gem Award. And yes, I put the movie on pause to read that right off the cover. She is based in New York and has been hired by the Crown Prince of Gullion to restore the family jewels and make them beautiful again for his looming coronation and 700 year old Gullion’s “Centennial”. So things got off to a bad start with me right away. He did not need a Gemologist, whose profession identifies and evaluates gemstones to ensure their authenticity, grade, and value. He needed a jar of jewelry cleaner, a qualified jewelry designer, or the royal jeweler which they actually had on staff. And it is more likely that the settings of the jewels might have needed restoration, not the stones themselves. Unless they have been stored in a vat of acid or in a Junk Yard under a Dumpster somewhere, which they demonstrably have not. 

Ruby has a flat tire on the way to the palace and in order to make her appointment with The Prince, which is happening “right now”, as she tells her Royal Taxi Driver, she decides to walk the rest of the way in her heels dragging a heavy suitcase behind her which she needs for her meeting. Not wanting to wait while the flat tire got fixed. But mysteriously fixed it was, and she is picked up after probably about a mile or so of sweaty walking down the dirt road. But not before she meets the prince anonymously on his royal run and they flirt a lot. Why she doesn’t know what he looks like is a mystery. There are a lot of mysteries in this. Like why the prince is off royally running when he is supposed to be meeting his gemologist. The Prince is played by Dan Jeannotte who has carved out quite a career playing characters of noble blood. It’s his specialty. Also when she gets to the castle palace the Personal Advisor to the Queen takes her to the royal “Game’s Room”, where she will be working, to “freshen up” and not to her bedroom with hopefully an adjoining bathroom where there is hopefully some soap, water, and a comb for her very thick luxuriant hair. 

As for the rest of the plot, it is the normal one. The Prince wants to change things up and make the monarchy more accessible to “the people.” And the queen, along with her mean and bossy “Personal Advisor” is all about tradition and wants to maintain the stodgy status quo. The word “tradition” is uttered even more than the word “gemologist.” Also, the Queen and the Personal Advisor want The Prince to marry someone who is not a jewelry cleaner, excuse me, “gemologist”, from New York, specifically another member of the nobility. That would be Jory, who just happens to be the Personal Advisor’s daughter. Jory, who evidently takes after her father, is not one of those nasty jealous princesslets. She is nice, but her problem is that she is in love with Prince Luca’s general factotum/butler/companion/bodyguard a.k.a. “Head of House” who is also nice. The Prince invites Ruby to the Garden Lighting Festival of (very few) Flowers which, much to the dismay of The Queen and the Personal Advisor, the Prince moved from the Palace Garden to the Town Square, where  The Peasants The People can enjoy it too. Just one of his many planned innovations for Gullion. I would have liked to see how the palace garden got moved to the Town Square, but sadly I was disappointed. As  for the festival,  I’ve seen more spring flowers at a Halloween Party. Doesn’t Hallmark have a ready source for flowers like they have for orange and yellow leaves and pumpkins they get for their Fall Into Love movies? Anyhoo, All proceeds to the happy ending with Prince and Gemologist falling into Insta-love, flirting like mad, while the Queen realizes the error of her ways thanks to some armchair therapy courtesy of Prince Luca. The Personal Advisor is shocked, I tell you shocked, that her daughter has fallen in love with “staff”, but ultimately gives them her blessing. Because Hallmark usually likes villains to be redeemed rather than punished (unfortunately).

Along the way there were two things about this move that sunk it lower than 5 star innocuousness into mediocre territory. First was Ruby’s constant teasing and goading of the guard guarding the crown jewels she was working on. He is meant to be like the guards at Buckingham Palace who have to remain stoic and motionless no matter what while doing their job. And Ruby’s unremitting efforts trying to get him to talk or respond to her was kind of mean and definitely immature. I think it was supposed to be funny and endearing, but I did not find it so. And the topper (pun intended), was the coronation crown that Prince Luca asked Ruby to design. Her lack of qualifications to do so was evident in the finished product which looked like the crown on the Creepy Burger King mascot. See the above poster. Really cheap, dull, and embarrassing. Much like this movie. Jen Lilly, you are not my favorite, but you deserved better than this.

* also Jill Wagner because it put the kabosh to my favorite Hallmark Mystery show, Murder 101.

Rating: 3 out of 10.

Two for Tee

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And Tea for Two

More times than I can find excuses for, it seems like Hallmark just puts its writers on auto pilot, and points them in the general direction of “acceptable movie” and gives them a push. I thought this was one of those when the big tent pole that the story is built around turned out to be Saving the Community Center. Enough all ready! Also the romance was with “a single father while she is trying to find herself and her confidence after a busted romance with a unsupportive ex-boyfriend”. Also get a load of that poster to my left. Yet, there was just enough good things here to almost make it to a 7 out of a 10 on my special Hallmark Scale.

Janel Parrish plays half-Chinese “Tee”,  the owner of a vintage retail shop in a Community Market. She co-owns it (I think) with her male cousin Theo (David Kaye) who is meant to be gay (I think). He is not the typical Hallmark gay guy because he actually acted pretty normal. His sexual preference was not an issue, which was refreshing. She is also a potter who aspires to have her pots sold as art. To that end, Theo has gotten her tickets to an art gallery opening so she can show pictures of her work to the owner (played by familiar and welcome face, Daniel Bacon, aka resident black person of power. He usually plays a Mayor or a Mogul.) She does, and he says thanks but no thanks. He tells her that, basically, she has talent but her pots are boring and generic. There is nothing of herself personally in them to show her inner soul or some such thing. Tee does not know what that means and neither did I, but whatever. Meanwhile she has met single father Will (Chris McNally), the new Community Center Handyman. Tee had unknowingly met his tween daughter and her mother when they visited her shop and enthusiastically bought some stuff. The actresses who played mother and daughter looked very much alike. I liked that. It is unusual in any movie, not just Hallmark. It turns out the two parents are happily and peacefully divorced and Will has moved to town to take over care of Natalie while Mom pursues her high-powered career. This arrangement was handled without shaming the mother for being a bad career-obsessed mother, which is a good thing and worth mentioning. Will, on the other hand, is not ambitious at all. He is just content to pay the bills and be a good Dad. This might be a red flag, but he seems to have enough money (alimony?) so it is not really an issue.

Moving on. Tee and her mother have a conversation. Apparently it is one of a very few conversations they have had over the years, because Tee asks her about her Tea Pot which is a family heirloom made by her grandfather in her old home town in China. It is a highly valued Yixing tea pot which is a special type of teapot which absorbs the flavor of the tea into its highly porous type of clay which makes tea taste all the better from the years of use. This part was really interesting, as were several bits of Chinese culture which were shared during this movie. One would think, being a potter, that Tee would have expressed an interest in this cool little teapot that has been sitting there on the table her whole life before this conversation, but such was not the case. During this momentous conversation with her mother she also learns that her mom is estranged from a beloved cousin because she stayed in the United States after she married Tee’s American father and has no idea even whether she is alive or dead. Tee’s mom could have been one of those extremely annoying over-involved Hallmark Moms, but she is not. She is involved, but very lovable and the actress (Lillian Lim) steals every scene she is in. In her Mom’s teapot, Tee has found inspiration and a new focus for her pottery. Especially since she now knows that she inherited her pot making skills from her great grandfather.

Moving on. We learn that the Learning Center is going to close down. The woman who was hired to turn the place around (Enid-Raye Adams whose Mini-Bio on IMDb is very funny) has done nothing but cut costs instead of proactively taking positive action to raise its profile and attract the community to its doors. Tee, Will, and their 4 musketeers (senior retirees who as far as I could see, are the only 4 people in town who use the facilities) finally take over from the useless but at least cooperative director to save the center. I will say no more except an Open House, a dance, busted pipes, and a last minute invasion of a City Council meeting are involved.

All in all, as any Hallmark devotee can see, this is all pretty standard stuff. However, it had enough positives (tea pots, lovable mother and her touching story, unusual parenting arrangement, etc.) to at least keep me awake. Janel Parrish and very cute Chris McNally were fine, as were their characters. Tee takes her new teapots to Daniel Bacon, and they are still not for him! Plot Twist! His is the wrong type of gallery for such art, but there is still a happy ending for Tee’s pots. And best of all, there was no Third Act Breakup for Tee and Will! They actually have a nice, mature relationship with no childish miscommunication or drama. The Community Center is saved as well as Tee’s pot making business as theirs is the only kiln in town. No, Tee’s efforts were not entirely humanitarian, which she actually admits. Despite the overused elements in this one, I think it’s a 7.

Rating: 7 out of 10.

Romance at Hope Ranch

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Giddy-Yup. Nope.

**Spoilers**

I liked this one OK because I like Alison Sweeney. Caveat: I like her when she is in a part where she plays a character around her own age, which she did in this. And bonus points because her love interest and the red herring love interest were also age appropriate. Another nod to the casting department (with an assist by Alison, I’m sure) for casting Alison’s daughter in the role of her daughter. It was refreshing to see two characters who are closely related actually bearing a strong resemblance to each other. Plus Miss Megan was good in the part and very cute. Alison, who plays our heroine, Hope, really is the only reason I gave this one a (barely) passing grade. There was a lot to overcome with her love interest, Jack, played by Gabriel Hogan in a pretty thankless role. Mr. Hogan apparently was also her love interest in AS’s mystery series, Murder She Baked. The plot was nothing special, nor the writing. Not bad, just not good enough to make up for poor Gabriel Hogan’s role as the creepy idiot ex-boyfriend who sneakily barges back into Hope’s life. The woman, not the Ranch.

The movie opens with Hope and her daughter Maggie having a tearful goodbye (a Sweeney specialty) as Hope is helping her college freshman daughter move into her dorm room. They remember Maggie’s dead father and talk about missing him and how Maggie will always feel his presence with her. She even wears his dog tags. Now I would imagine from this that Maggie must have been around 10-years-old when her Dad died given the strength of her memories and her connection. But I soon had to adjust this downward from what we find out later. So the timeline in this matter didn’t quite make sense. Now an empty-nester, Hope has taken a big risk and bought a small ranch near Ruidosa, New Mexico that she used to visit in the summer with her grandparents and later with her daughter. It’s a cute little ranch with good scenery, about 5 horses, and 10 chickens. So not a Dude ranch exactly, more like a B and B. She might have handled her new venture pretty well except that Hope has also taken on her dream of bringing back the once yearly tradition of the town’s greatly missed “Giddy-up Gala” in her newly renovated barn. Also she has a problem asking for help because she always has to do everything all herself to prove she can. She has passed this unfortunate trait to her daughter who is overwhelmed with school and crying via video chat. I will just state the obvious that in order to handle the ranch, entertain her guests, have a successful Giddy-up gala, and a happy ending in the romance department, she has to learn to get over herself and ask others for help. Also is she also going to cook all of meals for her paying guests? Because Ruidosa isn’t exactly bursting with restaurants (or any other attractions) from what we are shown.

At first, in the romance department, things were looking good as Hope’s next door neighbor, Tom, is a successful owner of a big ranch who is single, attractive, helpful, and sweet. Unfortunately, he is supplanted by her ex-boyfriend whom she broke up with and hasn’t seen (not even a Christmas card!) for a decade. They broke up, got back together and broke up again a second time. So 10 years later, she is buying feed at the local feed store and there he is! First, see what I mean about the timeline? Maggie would have been only 8 when they broke up for the final time. When did her Dad die? Anyway, it turns out that while still working in New York Jack found out from his sister, Hope’s best friend, that she was moving from Denver and buying a ranch. He sells his New York company and buys the local Tack and Feed Shop a few months ahead of her arrival and sits there like a rattlesnake in the grass waiting for her to show up in town, hoping to win her back out of nowhere with what he thinks is a big romantic gesture. and it turns out that Hope’s so-called best friend knew what he was doing and didn’t clue Hope in. Of course Hope is flabbergasted, upset, and wants nothing to do with him, especially when she sees a large portrait of her and him in happier days publicly gracing the wall of his store. Super Creepy and stalkery! Also a poser, as he dresses up like he’s a cowboy complete with a big buckle. And he has already gotten the reputation as a screw-up and very much out of his element. 

Between the surprise re-appearance of her heretofore gone and forgotten Ex and the day of the Gala, we are favored with an escape chicken, an unfriendly horse, nice scenery, and numerous challenges in meeting the safety requirements needed to run a B & B and hold a public event at her ranch. Also, she has to deal with the consequences of her allergy to asking for help. One of which is a humongous tax bill which comes as a complete surprise because she (surprise!) bought the ranch without hiring a lawyer.

Meanwhile Jack-the-Ex doesn’t do too much to redeem himself in my eyes for the rest of the movie. He takes a step forward by getting her help from his rival Tom with her water pump. But then he takes two steps back. We find out that with the help of his sister, supposedly Hope’s best friend, he has been, sending young Maggie birthday cards in secret (why?!) for the past 10 years while having zero contact with Hope whom he supposedly is still in love with. I say that was out of order. Then there is a major disaster the day of the Giddy-up Gala (never just THE Gala, always the Giddy-up one. I guess to distinguish it from all of the other Galas that are happening). The caterer calls her with the bad news that all of the food for The Giddy-Up Gala is ruined. She has nothing to feed all of the people coming from miles around and her first paying guests. Hope is panic stricken and crying and doesn’t know what to do. But luckily Jack is there to make a joke about it and to spill all of her eggs on the floor. That goes over very poorly with Hope and I was hopeful. But no, they make up and the Gala is a big success. Besides, nice Tom has already been snagged by Hope’s best friend who has come to visit. No word on that looming tax bill and how she is going to pay it. 

Rating: 6 out of 10.

The Stars Between Us

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Not in the Stars

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Despite being led by a favorite Hallmark actress, Sarah Drew, and her charming and attractive costar Matt Long, this one did not meet expectations. It’s hard to create an engaging romance when, after an initial sweet and sparky meeting in the first 10 minutes of the movie, the main couple don’t even see each other until less than 15 minutes left to go.  I’ve only seen this done successfully one time, in The Santa Summit. And this one filled the time in between the two encounters with about a bazillion near misses, each one more annoying than the last. I thought the Hallmark last minute bust up due to a stupid misunderstanding (patent pending) was bad. Well, I’m here to tell you, it’s even worse when the couple don’t even meet up again until the very end of the movie.

Kim, an astronomy hobbyist, has a chance encounter with Malcolm, a PhD candidate in astronomy, while on a hill top in Carbondale Illinois for a viewing event of a total eclipse of the sun. Does Carbondale Illinois even have hills? I’ll put a pin in that one to research later.* It is an immediate and undeniable connection, even though Kim is engaged to be married. They part when Kim’s habitually late fiancé finally shows up. 7 years go by. Kim is a divorced single mother living with her Mom. She works behind the scenes at a TV station in Chicago, Illinois, waiting for a chance to cover the news in front of the camera. She actually blew her first chance by freezing with nerves on live TV while covering a big fire. This has earned her the nickname “Freezer Burn.” So a second chance does not seem too likely, until an experienced reporter is exposed to pink-eye so cannot cover the upcoming eclipse which will occur, once again, in Carbondale. For one place to experience this twice in only 7 years is extremely rare but possible. (In case you were wondering.) Malcolm is now a professor of astronomy at a junior college in Arizona, but is, of course, back in Carbondale, because, you know, it’s a total eclipse and he is an astronomer. He has written a book about eclipses and their effect on culture through the ages and he hopes to meet his idol and former professor to help him get it published. Because as you may have heard, it’s “publish or perish” for academics. The professor, Dr. Stanley Longford, is kind of a rock star in the field, kind of like the late Carl Sagan was, may he rest in peace. Kim and Malcolm have never forgotten each other. They bring each other up when they have personal conversations about chance encounters, instant connections, and lost soulmates. In fact, it is even hinted that Kim’s memories of Malcolm may even have partially contributed to the demise of her marriage. And it is Kim who inspired Malcolm to be a teacher. Yet it never occurs to either of them that this second rare event might again attract the other to be in the same town they met.

Kim, her friend and camera-person Claire, and their incompetent producer, Reed, do their TV spots for the station (Kim and Reed both incompetently). Malcolm and his fellow professor and friend, Travis,  set up for the eclipse and try to find Dr. Longford. Claire and Travis meet and fall in love just like Malcolm and Kim did many moons ago. Pun not intended. The young producer who only got the job because he is the brother-in-law of the station head, screws up over and over until Kim finally loses her temper and unloads on him. They end up having a heart to heart, and getting a lot off their respective chests which causes them to, thankfully, become competent at their jobs. Reed even snags an interview with Malcolm’s famous astronomer for Kim which will go national and make or break her career. He does this right out from under a bad guy from another TV station who is a chauvinist pig and really dastardly (Hallmark mainstay, Ben Wilkinson). Yay Reed.

Through all of this Kim and Malcolm keep missing each other in the usual ways. One turns their head when the other walks by. The other sees a photo of him with their friends but the head is cut off. These almost-encounters happen a lot and as I mentioned, are very frustrating and annoying. But it really got to be remote throwing time when they actually meet and have a conversation during an eclipse party but because it is a masquerade and they are wearing teeny tiny Lone Ranger type masks they don’t even recognize each other! Despite Kim having long red hair just as she did 7 years ago! At this point I through my hands up in disgust and would have thrown my remote if I could’ve reached it. But I did yell.

After Kim and Reed carelessly lose the professor (because they allow him to wander off to the bathroom unsupervised 15 minutes before they are about to go live nationwide), Reed substitutes Malcolm to do the interview with Kim. Phew. They finally come face to face live on TV. Where they both commence to behave very unprofessionally by mooning and flirting with each other very cheesily instead of talking educationally about the eclipse. Needless to say, this is a big hit with the viewers. However, If I were a prospective employer of a fulltime TV reporter, her unprofessional display would not inspire me with a lot of confidence. But since Malcolm lives in Arizona and Kim lives in Chicago, maybe she will be the one to move and put her ambition to be a TV reporter on hold. First though, Kim needs to tell Malcolm about her 5-year-old daughter after they stop kissing.

I’m still giving this one 5 stars due to the acting and general appeal of all of the main cast members.

*It does. It’s actually famous for its hills in the second flattest state in the U.S.

Rating: 5 out of 10.

Because of Cupid

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Stupid Eros

I was looking forward to this one because I like the lead actress, Amy Groening. And though I have not really liked most of the characters that young whippersnapper (30 years old) Evan Roderick has played (much like Tyler Hynes) he was very good in A Make or Break Christmas. This one didn’t work for me mostly because I just didn’t believe Groening and Roderick as a romantic couple. Who knows why or how one person sees a certain chemistry and another does not? It’s a mystery. The story was pretty cute, I thought, and the dialogue was good too. There was a little mystery there (Is Hal really THE Cupid in human form?) And it certainly was appropriate for Valentine’s day. It seemed a pretty fresh take on the old Hallmark standby of magical love-related consumables.

Naomi and Marcus are workmates at a wine bar. They are good friends except, as Marcus confesses to Hal (Cupid) whom he meets when he is working as a bartender at a party, he has been head over heels with “Nomes” from their first meeting. Naomi had a boyfriend at the time and Marcus, as we learn, lacks confidence that he is good enough for her. She has a degree in biochemistry and is very responsible and mature and he has never been one to buckle down or be serious about much of anything. Whenever Hallmark writes a male character with that kind of personality, Evan Roderick is always their number 1 choice. Naomi and Marcus are trying to win a contest for best Mocktail which comes with a 30,000 dollar prize which they need to hopefully buy the wine bar they work at. Lisa, the owner, is planning to sell it to a parking lot company. Wow, Lisa. You are not a villain, but that’s a classic villain move. Hal invites the pair to his tea shop to sample some rare teas they can incorporate into the mocktails. On day one of the contest, Marcus samples the drink along with 3 other couples that the pair know. The relationships of the 3 couples immediately change to being head over heels in love with each other and Marcus, although he has always been in love with “Nomes”, immediately has the courage to declare himself to her publicly. On their way back from the party Marcus tells Naomi that the syrup she used to make their winning mocktail was a love potion. Naomi does not believe in magic and attributes the elixir’s effect on the couples (and Marcus) to a scientifically based chemical reaction to the mix of ingredients in the drink. Together, they go on a mission to find an antidote to the mixture and have the three couples drink it. They believe, especially Naomi, that the pairs are making major life decisions based on love that is only temporary and not real. That’s all I’ll say about the plot, except that when the couples finally all take the antidote, they all react differently to it.

In addition to Marcus and Naomi’s story, there were theoretically plenty of other things to keep interest up. Will Marcus be able to prove himself as a mature human being? Trying to decode and put together an antidote. Wondering if it would work and what the effect would be. The 3 couples stories, at least two of whom we are really rooting for. Do we even want the antidote to work? The mocktail contest. The fate of the wine bar. Also there were a lot of literary and mythological references added to the mix. So a lot of good ingredients, but somehow for me, it kind of dragged in places. Maybe there was too much going on? And it didn’t help that Naomi never seemed that interested in Marcus as a romantic partner. Just didn’t feel the attraction there. And that’s pretty fatal to a romance.

Rating: 6.5 out of 10.

The Way to You

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A Beautiful “Like” Story?

After erring on the side of kindness in determining a star rating for quite a few Hallmarks lately, last night’s, or in my case, this early morning’s Hallmark is finally (Finally Finally!) one I can wholeheartedly get behind with a 9-star rating. It would have been a 10 but it stumbled slightly at the end.  The script was not only well-written but free of gimmicks and cheap and easy jokes. Now don’t get me wrong: I love a cheap and easy joke as much as the next person, and humor is almost always a component in my most favorite Hallmarks. This one had its funny moments, but the humor flowed naturally from the well-written plot, the characters, and the acting of its cast. It starred a brown-haired Kim Matula who has never been less than great in any of the Hallmarks I’ve seen her in, and Aaron O’Connell. I had never been a particular fan of his as a leading man, although he was hilarious in Made for Each Other as “The Wrong Guy First”,  but I say “had” never, because he was perfect in this one: both in his individual performance and his strong chemistry with his leading lady. In this one, the relationship was the thing, not the banter and wisecracks.

Emma works for an Art Gallery and is unapologetic in hankering after a family of her own with a nice stable guy, not the flakey artsy types she usually encounters.  “I want art on my fridge, as well as on the walls”.  She lives with her sister and her husband in a very large New York apartment. Emma’s relationship with her sister has a lot of heart and is another positive facet amongst many in this movie. They figure out that she needs to meet someone, not in Art, but in a solid profession like Finance. Meanwhile, Conrad, a successful finance guy, is also frustrated in love. He seeks that instant spark, that love at first sight thing, like his parents had. Pay attention when he shares how his parents met.

While on the train to the financial district, they each meet likely prospects that are not each other. The how and why of night owl Emma getting on a train to Wall Street at the ungodly hour of 7am in hopes of meeting a man is an example of the organic nature of the type of humor in this movie. They both have an instant connection with their “meet-cutes” but, due to a power outage, they both are parted from their prospective soulmates before they can exchange details. Conrad puts an ad in a local Missed Connections column and when Emma sees it, she thinks it is about her and meets Conrad. They are both disappointed, but they get to talking and have a great rapport right from the beginning. Since Conrad had learned that the woman he is looking for is involved in the Art Scene, and Emma is looking for a down to earth guy in a profession like Conrad’s, they agree to help each other. Emma will try to find Conrad’s mystery woman, and Conrad will find Emma some date material among his colleagues. (Emma’s train guy falls by the wayside, never to be seen or heard from again.)

They spend time together and become friends. They enrich each other’s lives and have conversations. They go to events together and have fun. Conrad meets Emma’s friends and her sister. Emma goes on a  blah date with one of Conrad’s friends. By this time they are half in love with each other. But at the point where Emma admits that to herself and is ready to make her move with a similarly smitten-but-doesn’t-know-it Conrad she finds, by pure chance, Conrad’s mystery woman. I really should stop there to avoid any more spoilers, because this is a real turning point in the movie. I will just say that it doesn’t follow the obvious path. The love story takes a detour that adds heart, depth, and complexity. We learn that a shared sense of humor is important in a relationship. 

The happy ending is achieved with the help of a bagel truck, which is an example of why this movie really shines. Because you actually had to be paying attention back in the beginning when Conrad was telling his parents’ love story to get the significance. I mentioned the ending took this down a star. After building up the suspense, the chemistry, and the longing that these two shared, it kind of sputtered at the climactic moment. In some movies, ending with an “I really really like you” or even just an “I like you” is enough. But not in this one. We know they liked each other, for heaven’s sake. They were friends and never had a harsh word, or a stupid misunderstanding. They owed each other (and us!) full fledged “I love you’s!” They were earned. It was just a clunker of a wrong note. What was the writer thinking? We know what they meant, and at least she will be following him to Tokyo. I guess that’s something.  Not to mention The Count of Monte Cristo, a personal favorite.

Rating: 9 out of 10.

Missing the Boat

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Spoilers Ahoy!

This was a really good one! As with all of the other Winter Escape movies, it was set in a sunny clime in an exotic land.  And as the title implies, there was a cruise ship involved. Our hero Parker is accompanying his billionaire boss on a cruise around southern Italy. He is the boss’s top man and lawyer and is there to oversee the sale of Adam’s, the boss’s, sale of his cruise ship line to a group of investors. Accompanying Parker is his sister Emily, who I first thought was a more lightly than usual made up Hallmark star Taylor Cole in a cameo appearance. But as she hung around and started to have her own story line, I realized it wasn’t her. Parker is played by the always wonderful Kristoffer Polaha who is one of my very favorite Hallmark stars. Emilie Ullerup plays Kelly who works for a company that the investors hired to suss out any reasons why the cruise line would not be a good investment.

Parker is a little quirky which manifests itself in several ways but includes a penchant for wordplay and bad puns which might be called excessive if you have a low tolerance for that kind of humor. Kelly is friendly and likable. Although she is good at her job, she prefers to take handwritten notes throughout the day and upload them digitally at night rather than constantly uploading the details via her company’s App. Her boss, George, warns her that this unplugged approach is not acceptable this time and she needs to stay in constant communication as well as incognito. Uh Oh. I sense trouble on the horizon. Kelly knows who Parker and Adam are, but Parker does not know who Kelly is. Yet. Parker, Emily, and Kelly become friendly. On an excursion to a waterfall in Sicily, Parker and Kelly’s donkeys run away and Kelly and Parker miss the ship which waits for no man or woman. Even though Parker is the Ship’s Owner’s right hand man!

The rest of the movie was Parker and Kelly’s adventures trying to catch up with the ship which was very good at evading them, and falling in love. These include Parker throwing his back out, a worker’s strike which halts a train they have to take (Kelly talks the strikers back to work! -she’s pretty awesome), Parker going to a new age healer for his back, staying at a luxury hotel, oversleeping, and Parker leaving his passport behind. At that point, Parker sends Kelly ahead and she actually makes the boat, but turns around and goes back for Parker. She loves him and they kiss. Meanwhile, Parker’s sister Emily and Adam, his boss, are getting close as well. She is having a good influence on him and he regrets asking Parker to delay Kelly getting back on the ship and potentially screwing up the merger. Yes, that happened, but Parker refused to be so low down. When they finally make it back to the ship, Adam apologizes to Kelly for asking Parker to purposely delay her return to the boat (which he didn’t do). Kelly gets all mad at those spilt beans especially since she got fired for being incommunicado and not on the ship. In the last 15 minutes Kelly comes to her senses, Adam decides not to sell the cruise line after all, hires Kelly (and Emily!), and two happy couples sail off into the sunset (figuratively.)

So there you go. That’s the movie in a nutshell. If you didn’t see it last night, it is well worth catching. Kris Polaha has not missed a step, and he is as watchable as ever. Emilie is good as well and the two have some chemistry. The well-written banter is fast paced, bright, and amusing. And of course, the scenery. **7 1/2 stars**

Rating: 7.5 out of 10.

Caught by Love

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Ho Hum Heist

Nothing could save this one from being boring. Not the not-seen-often-enough charm and talents of Luke Macfarlane, the proven acting talent of Rachael Leigh Cook, nor the beautiful setting of Malta. All were pretty much wasted on a phone-it-in script. I went into this one with optimism thanks to the presence of Luke, for whom Hallmark usually makes a greater than usual effort, and the fact that it was set in Malta which I last visited only a few months ago albeit in a book and albeit in the mid-16th century. It’s changed a lot. In this one all of the effort went into filming in an exotic land, which helped, but was not enough to engage me much.

Annie (Cook), a bank teller, arrives at a White Lotus type resort hotel (except no alcohol or caffeine-lolwut) in Malta and quickly falls into the arms of Jake (Macfarlane) thanks to her high heels which she is not used to. Her best friend, Joanna, a cosmetics magnate, has given her her place at a 7 day self help get away. How humble Annie got to be best friends with a millionaire tycoon might have made a more interesting story. It turns out that Jake, who at first we are led to believe might be up to something nefarious, is actually a private investigator who is trying to catch a thief for the reward money. Of course he was not up to anything nefarious: It’s Luke Macfarlane, for cripes sake. Jake has gotten an anonymous tip that the thief who stole a valuable necklace from “The Met” has arranged to sell it to one of the very wealthy guests at the hotel during the 7 day retreat. Annie, Jake, and Jake’s partner Laura, sleuth around for the rest of the movie trying to figure out who the buyer of the necklace is and catch him/her and the thief in the act. We get to know the other guests whose stories are supposed to fill in the plot but unfortunately they are not very interesting. We have the typical social media influencer, the typical billionaire real estate mogul and his neglected wife, the typical tech-god, the typical new-age motivational speaker, and the typical spoiled and entitled female member of royalty. All of them behave suspiciously but all turn out to be red herrings. Jake’s investigative skills are considerably aided by the fact that the suspects expediently allow him to do things like scroll through their phones and open their suspicious suitcases at will. We start to think that maybe the anonymous tip that Laura and Jake received might be a little sus after all of the possible buyers of the jewels are eliminated. But never fear, there is one person left, and it is someone they didn’t even think of (!).

There were some bright spots. The character of Laura (so far uncredited on IMDb-that figures) was pretty amusing. She is undercover as a very versatile employee of the resort. She fills in wherever needed going from a pool girl to a room maid and even filling in teaching a class on herbal medicine when the original instructor goes on maternity leave. You’d think a resort that caters to billionaires and royalty would have more of a tip top staff. But anyway, her dead pan expression when the spoiled royal female confronts her about taking out the excess chlorine in the pool was worth a chuckle. As was her attempt to teach the class when everything she knows is straight out of Wikipedia. The pace was good and there were some cute lines and isolated situations (Aerial Yoga). But the whole concept, although a little out of the usual Hallmark box was so predictable. Each guest, none of whom are at all entertaining, comes to the sleuths’ attention one at a time, is duly investigated, but of course is found misunderstood and innocent until we get to the last 5 minutes of the movie. **Spoiler Alert** The three investigators get the reward money even though it was really the federal agents who caught the bad guy. This convenient but totally unrealistic happenstance saves Jake and Laura’s struggling P.I. business, and helps Annie’s escape from bank teller-dom into law school. This was supposed to be light-hearted and fun but missed the mark.

Rating: 6.5 out of 10.

Love on the Amazon

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“Amelia’s Not Here”

When I saw who the female lead was in this movie, I sighed. This actress, Jaicy Elliot, who reportedly was (is?-I don’t watch it) very good in Grey’s Anatomy has made it very clear with her acting that she just does not want to be in a Hallmark movie. In the 3 that she has been in, she has been flatter and more deadpan than the last. In one of the roles the character was written in the script to be sweet and lovable, and Ms. Elliot’s acting style actually made the character charmless and downright unpleasant. Well, the bugs, humidity, and dangerous reptiles of the Amazon must agree with her, because she was OK in this one and that’s a big step up. Now mind you, she didn’t bring anything special to the role, but she didn’t make me want to yell at her to wake up either. Unfortunately she missed some opportunities in the script to deliver some laughs or smiles and they were left dying on the jungle vines. We can add comic timing to the “improvement needed” column on her report card.

Claire is a vice principal of a school whose sister, a marine biologist, is doing important work on the Amazon. She has been waiting for news of a fellowship she is up for which will fund her project for years. Claire is taking care of her apartment and has been tasked to watch her mail for word as to whether she got the award or not. Because Amelia has to sign it and fill out a questionnaire. I guess the people who were giving her that truck load of fundage for her work on the Amazon are not aware that she is actually in Brazil on the Amazon. Doing her work. And not at her San Diego apartment waiting for their letter. One of many mysteries in this movie that went unsolved. When the letter about the grant finally comes, Claire drops it under a coffee table (by accident) and doesn’t discover it until it’s almost too late for Amelia to sign the paper and fill out the questionnaire. You had one job, Claire! One! So Claire, despite her fear of snakes, decides to find her sister on the Amazon river to deliver the paper to get signed. Yes, the paper is what is known in the movies as a “MacGuffin”. It’s just an excuse to get hapless Claire to the Amazon River so she can find love with a handsome boat captain and discover her true self.

That’s all I’m going to say about the plot. It goes exactly as you would expect. The movie was actually filmed on the Amazon, although in Peru, not Brazil. But close enough. We get some beautiful and authentic scenery on the river. (I can’t say the same when they venture into the jungle-It looked like a big green park.) Luckily for the relationship development and so Claire can have some adventures, every time they get to where Amelia is supposed to be, Amelia is not there, but is still deeper in the jungle and further down the river.

What I really want to address about this movie is what became for me, a proverbial elephant in a proverbial room. And that involved Claire’s suitcase. Of course it was bottomless and full of cute jungle outfits, as is usual in Hallmarks. And it must have been invisible as well. Because when she finally opens the only suitcase we ever see on camera, it was not full of clothes, but HARDBACK BOOKS! Now I love books probably more than the average person. They are part of my daily life, and for 20 years, part of my professional life. But come on. Going down the Amazon dragging along a heavy suitcase full of books? And not just books, but Hardbacks and large trade paperbacks, not the handy light mass-market ones. In one scene, she is reading one of the books and since it is nighttime she has a big bug-attracting headlight attached to her head to see the words. To quote the handsome boat captain, “Haven’t you ever heard of an E-reader?!” And E-readers nowadays are not only backlit, Claire, but waterproof and would have survived the massive rainstorm that your hardback books did not. The soggy mess was hilarious but in a dumb way not a funny way. At the end there is another dumb thing which I can’t resist mentioning. As already established, Amelia and company are in the deepest darkest part of the Amazonian jungle. When Claire inevitably goes to chase after the handsome boat captain who left the camp with a broken heart, she is stopped by a huge and deadly snake blocking her way to the boat.  Amelia’s assistant, seeing the danger, offers to “walk to town and get another boat.” What? Maybe that was supposed to be funny ha-ha not funny dumb, but it came across as dumb. As did too much in this movie. Stars for the handsome boat captain, the scenery, and the kiss at the end. And Jaicy’s makeup was on point. Hallmark, do her and yourselves a favor and when you want to take up the laudable issue of body positivity again, call on another attractive actress who can not only be competent, as Jaicy was, but add some spark to the story with her acting or charisma.

Rating: 5 out of 10.

A Melbourne Match

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Fancy-free

I’ve had a generally positive impression of Mallory Jansen as a Hallmark leading lady. She is very pretty but not in a beauty pageant way. As I have mentioned before, she reminds me a little of Audrey Hepburn, and that is certainly a good thing.  She is credible as the typical Hallmark mid-thirties single woman dealing with life and professional issues that age-group is concerned with. Possibly because she is actually in her mid-thirties. Unfortunately, although she settled down in the middle, she was very annoying at the beginning and at the end of this movie. The character she played was partially to blame of course, but let’s just say the actress gave it her all and that increased my irritation. It was a valid decision for the character, but yikes. Luckily, I liked her love interest, played by Australian actor Ryan Corr. He reminded me of Gerard Butler. The two made a good couple after she calmed down.

Georgie, cheesily called “Georgie Girl” throughout (and yes, we have the song) is a Travel Journalist who is known for writing about her 24 hour whirlwind vacations in random cities throughout the United States. This matches her personality. She is always in a rush, her life ruled by her watch, schedules, and lists. She  fancies herself as efficient, but is always on the edge of disaster, dropping papers, barely making deadlines, stepping out in the middle of roads and almost getting herself runover, etc. The expression on her face is always either very worried or panic-stricken. Her caring boss, perhaps recognizing that she is possibly on the verge of a nervous breakdown, gives her a new type of assignment: Spending a whole week in Melbourne Australia where she is to stop and smell the flowers as well as the deadly snakes, sharks, and insects. He doesn’t want her typical piece concentrating on the usual sights and tourist attractions, but wants her to immerse herself in the culture and get to know the people and the Melbourne that the locals know and love. Of course she only packs her usual carry-on because checking luggage is “such a time-waster.” Cue the Hallmark bottomless carry-on.

In Melbourne, her driver is late which doesn’t exactly calm her down (she assaults a vending machine in her frustration) and when he finally shows up he informs her that it is 7:30 in the morning which she didn’t know before despite her obsession with time. She decides to tackle the first thing on her list, which, true to form, is the typical tourist destination that her boss told her to avoid. Luckily, her driver, who is the Gerard Butler character, has other ideas and takes her to visit some impressive street art and a great coffee shop not on her list. She is no dummy and realizes that this knowledgeable Melburnian is just the person to be her unofficial tour guide to the Melbourne of the locals per her bosses directive.

The middle part of the movie isn’t bad at all. It consists  of Georgie calming down thanks to Zach the travel guide and we are treated to the sights, sounds, food (Vegemite!) and people of Melbourne Australia. We learn Zach’s back story. The chauffeur service is his Dad’s and he was just helping out temporarily. He is currently in construction but was recently a famous, now retired, Australian Rules Football player (there needs to be a shorter name for that sport) and even still is quite the celebrity. He had blown out his Achilles and he is sad and a little at loose ends, career-wise. They fall in love while going around Melbourne and especially on a day trip to his little hometown down the coast. There, she meets Zach’s Dad and his best friends, a married couple expecting, at long last, their first baby. Everyone has wise words for her. Unfortunately this interlude is shattered by her New York office finally getting in touch with her (bad cell service in the little town) and informing her that she is scheduled for an important TV interview on National TV that very night to discuss her article that she hasn’t even started yet(!). Surprise! “Where have you been!…Get back to Melbourne, ASAP!!!!!!!” Of course this causes her to revert back to her old annoying self and frenetic ways, and harsh words are said between her and Zach, who is to blame (apparently) for her not finishing her writing assignment and getting her off track. Fun fact. The TV interview host is Dannii Minogue who is a real TV personality and sister of Kylie Minogue. But Georgie is back to panic-mode and the all-important-to-her-career interview and her relationship with Zach is headed for disaster until it’s not. At least the relationship, anyway.

So, for me, this was a pretty good Hallmark whose main character had a lot to learn, seemingly learned it, but reverted back to type when faced with a little adversity before she finally saw the light once and for all (hopefully.) Unfortunately I took issue with her behavior after she finally saw the light in the middle of the nationally televised interview. Native Australian Malory Jansen wrote and produced this movie as a tribute to her home town of Melbourne. As such, she did a very credible job. It was filmed on location and Melbourne seems like a really cool and fun town. Despite hitting all of the usual Hallmark beats I liked the message. One of the reasons Georgie was the way she was is that it took her a long time to find out what she wanted to do with her life and feels like she is always playing catch up with her peers. Zach teaches her to quit measuring herself against other people and “run her own race”. Where you are is where you are supposed to be. The writing was not brilliant but just fine. The dialogue was good. And of course the scenery was great and helped to keep me engaged.

Rating: 7 out of 10.