Branching Out

Donor or Dad?

There’s probably all kinds of things wrong with a 10 year-old talking her mother into seeking out her bio-dad so that her school “family tree” project can have more than one branch with only her mother and her grandmother on it. “It’s more like a log”, she complains. And the fact that her bio-dad was a sperm donor who requested anonymity makes it even more problematical. Ultimately though, The sperm donor (T.J.) was interested in meeting his daughter and they had a lot in common. So because it was Hallmark and I like how they are trying new takes and new directions rather than relying on the same old formulas, I decided to give them a pass on the wisdom, ethics, and dangers of the mother’s actions.

Now what I did have a problem with was the teacher assigning such a project in the first place. For those kids who did not want their personal domestic situations exposed to the public scrutiny of the whole class, there should have been an alternate and less invasive project. Especially as Ruby, our kid heroine, went to her teacher and expressed her discomfort explaining she was conceived via IVF. The teacher just blows her off with ” A Family Tree can look like anything” and “even weeds can become beautiful flowers.” Ahem. Ruby’s mother, Amelia, should have gone to the teacher,  had a pow-wow, and escalated it as necessary. But she didn’t, needless to say.

Amelia, putty in the hands of her precocious and persistent daughter, decides to try to find the sperm donor with a DNA test. She gets a match and when she researches the background of T.J., the sperm donor, she learns that he is really rich. His family founded a huge and successful ranch which is also a tourist destination. The word “Dynasty” is used.  I am sure that had absolutely nothing to do with Amelia following through with ambushing him with no warning pursuing his acquaintance.

T.J. himself works there but his real career is as a professional musician and back-up singer (and he’s really good!) Ruby, like him, plays the guitar. Both Ruby and T.J. start to get attached to each other and T.J.’s large and loving family welcome Amelia and Ruby with open arms. Things proceed very quickly which gives Amelia pause from time to time. She keeps saying she wants to protect Ruby from being hurt by an absentee unstable father like she had, but does very little to do so. At several points she could have put her foot down, but she really doesn’t. To be fair, T.J. is very nice, and a very good guy besides coming from a wealthy and prominent family and not to mention handsome as heck. And his family could not have been more warm, loving, and lovable. Of course, T.J. and Amelia start to have “feelings.” The romance and relationship part was good. Also two good kisses in which Sarah Drew really gave her all. Not that I blame her.

Everything goes great until T.J. gets his dream job and tells Amelia that he has to go on tour for 6 months and Amelia goes berserk. From the beginning he has been totally upfront that this scenario was in the cards. But Amelia is triggered and gets all irrational. Luckily this doesn’t last long  due to the stern talking to she gets from her friend and partner, Maura. Actually, she reads Amelia the riot act and it works. The secondary plot line involves this very admirable business partner and reflects Amelia’s struggles with leading a “guarded life” to protect Ruby and herself from pain and disappointment. Her partner wants to expand their architectural firm by designing a whole subdivision and Amelia just wants to keep things small and unchanging. It’s a metaphor!

This movie could have gone sideways at many different points and in several different ways. That it didn’t is credit to the great cast and the acting. Cora Bella who plays the very precocious Ruby is a shining star. In other hands, Ruby could have been very bratty and irritating. The good script provided her with the best lines in the movie and she made the most of them. Sarah Drew, who always gives a likable performance ensured her character’s sometimes dubious actions were at least understandable. And the same with Juan Pablo di Pace’s T.J.. Amelia’s friend and partner Maura was a force of nature. And T.J.’s family. What can I say?  I love my family, but can I please just spend a week every year with the Cruz’s on their beautiful ranch?

P.S. I have to mention one thing besides the bad teacher that really bothered me. At one point, they have T.J. busting into the Elementary School and barging into Ruby’s the classroom during class unimpeded and with impunity. He just opened the door and ran in. No one turned a hair. This made me very uncomfortable. Also, I trust we won’t have a sequel where T.J.’s other hypothetical progeny start coming out of the woodwork. That would get way too complicated.

Rating: 7 out of 10.

Friday’s Child

By Georgette Heyer

“Thought the world of you, did Kitten. Wouldn’t hear a word against you; wouldn’t even admit you can’t drive well enough for the F.H.C. That shows you! Always seemed to me she only thought of pleasing you. If she took a fancy to do something she shouldn’t, only had to tell her you wouldn’t like it, and she’d abandon it on the instant. Used to put me in mind of that rhyme, or whatever it was, I learned when I was a youngster. Something about loving and giving: that was Kitten!”

I have read this comic masterpiece many times and I have always enjoyed it. And I have listened to the almost 25-year-old reading by Eve Matheson. Again, very enjoyable. But this new version read by Owen Findley was just too too funny. His interpretations of all the characters were “bang up to the mark.” Hilarious, thoughtful, and touching. My only quibble was that he spoke too quickly but that was easily remedied by turning the speed down to 85%.

I always kind of wondered why Georgette considered this her best work as almost all of them are pretty brilliant, but after listening to this one again, I can’t argue. It’s famous for being her funniest book, but it had never struck me as particularly romantic. But at the end, when Sherry and Kitten are finally reunited….Well. It was as romantic and tender a scene as she ever wrote made even more so by Owen Findley’s subtle and sensitive reading.

Young Lord Sheringham, “Sherry”, has to get married right away because he’s overextended due to gambling debts and is properly “in the basket.” He is very wealthy but won’t come into his inheritance until he is 25 or married, whichever comes first. When his childhood friend, now a great beauty, refuses his offer he vows to marry the first girl he sees. That would be Hero Wantage whom he happens upon sitting on the side of the road. She is another childhood friend, but more of a tag-along or mascot being 5 or so years younger. An orphan, she has run away from the family who took her in. Their generosity has come to an end and they have given her an ultimatum of either becoming a governess or marrying the very dull and sober curate. Clearly in need of rescuing, she is the perfect candidate! It is a Win-Win! Sherry had always been carelessly fond of her but she has always worshiped the ground he walks on. He takes the sweet and naive girl to London and the fun begins. Sherry doesn’t see any reason why he should alter his bachelor lifestyle for a marriage of convenience. And Hero, who he calls “Kitten” is the last person who would make demands or criticize him in any way. In her eyes, he can do no wrong, much to the bemusement of his loyal best friends simple-minded Ferdy Fakenham, the more knowing Gil Ringwood, and the Byronic George Wrotham, who have a more clear-eyed view of their friend Sherry.

As he is driven to distraction rescuing Kitten from one scrape after another, Sherry grows from a spoiled irresponsible young man about town to embrace his adulthood and responsibilities. He realizes that most of the trouble she gets in is because she is following his example! His crew of friends provide more than their fair share of the humor as they come to embrace Kitten as one of the gang and often take a dim view of Sherry’s affectionate but cavalier treatment of her. But when Kitten runs away (long story) Sherry realizes how much he loves and values her. It all culminates in a comic farce at a posting inn involving an elopement, an abduction, and a punch in the nose. It’s a perfect ending.

Rating: 5 out of 5.

Mexican Gothic

by Silvia Moreno-Garcia

This book shares a lot of motifs with some of the old-fashioned Gothics of yore. By yore, I mean the 1960s and 70s. But it goes down a much darker road as far as physical and sexual horror. And it turns at least one of the usual tropes on its head. Luckily (for me) the gross and horrific parts are pretty isolated and not around every corner so I was able to take what there was of those disturbing scenes in stride. I wasn’t bothered by the creepy mushrooms and creeping mold.

Noemí, our heroine, is a young and spirited socialite, who, though a little frivolous, also has a serious side. She is very smart so we understand that most of her flightiness stems from boredom. It is 1950 in Mexico, and Noemí needs her father’s financial support and permission to start her master’s degree in Anthropology. He just wants her to find a suitable husband, but will agree to “let” her go back to University if she will travel to the home of her newly married cousin and childhood friend, Catalina, to check on her. Her father has gotten a very disturbing letter from her and is very concerned.

This house is sick with rot, stinks of decay, brims with every single evil and cruel sentiment…They are cruel and unkind and they will not let me go…I bar my door but still they come, they whisper at nights and I am so afraid of these restless dead, these ghosts, fleshless things…the false faces and false tongues…You must come for me Noemí..the spider walks…You have to save me…Hurry.

Is Catalina going insane or being drugged? Or is she really being haunted? Or possessed? Or is everything under control and Catalina improving as her husband Virgil claims? Highly doubtful.

Understandably alarmed, Noemí hightails it to “High House”, the spooky dilapidated old estate on the mountain to investigate matters and see how she can help her cousin. But the house is completely isolated and Noemí is a guest and there only at the family’s pleasure. Virgil, Catalina’s husband, his cousin Florence, the Mrs. Danvers-like mistress of the house, and Howard Doyle the elderly and sick in mind and body head of the family are firmly in control and hold all of the strings. There is no way they are going to let Noemí just take Catalina and her sizable (and sorely needed) fortune out of their control. From her arrival at the house, Noemí must engage in a cat-and-mouse game with Catalina’s new family with only Florence’s ineffectual and shy son Francis as an ally. She must slice through their lies and obfuscations and somehow fight their power and get Catalina and herself out of their sphere of influence. But Noemí seems to be slowly taken over by something in the house itself. Can Noemí herself escape let alone rescue her cousin?

As the tragic and evil history of the family and what they are up to is revealed, we understand that Noemí must call upon every ounce of her considerable strength and cleverness to escape. But can she escape unscarred? And surely Catalina and Francis are beyond salvation. The secrets and truths are truly dreadful and offensive. Much of the book is slowly paced and the frequent recounting of Noemí’s bizarre and nasty nightmares was of little interest to me. I was frustrated with her blindness to the part drugs probably played in her problems. But the last 20% or so of the book is terrifying and exciting and I was amazed and satisfied at the conclusion. It ends with hope and love and much happier than I expected.

Despite its sometimes over-the-top Gothic elements this was a serious book that incorporates a lot of symbolism, history, and explores the perniciousness of racism based on the belief in eugenics. It was a little out of my usual wheelhouse though I do like psychological horror and domestic thrillers from time to time. I’m not an expert so it was hard to rate. I’d give it a 3 1/2 stars but for the last paragraph which really moved me. 4 stars.

Rating: 4 out of 5.

Falling in Love in Niagara

Or, How Socks and Golf Doomed a 3-year Relationship. But That’s a Good Thing.

This was very mediocre. First, it’s one of my least favorite types of Hallmarks where the plot and characters take second place to the setting. This type has its place in that they are very relaxing and give you something pretty to look at while  indulging in a little armchair sightseeing. But they can also be pretty dull and formulaic, and can come across as being paid for by the local tourism board.

My second beef was with the two main characters. They were not exactly role models for any young children that might have been watching with Mommy (or Daddy).  First, I will set the background to my forthcoming dumping on their characters and future prospects in life and love.

Maddie is a super-planner with more than a smidge of OCD  because of her sad chaotic childhood and bad parents. Every time she sees a group of 4 or more pens in a row she has to line them up and straighten them. We see her doing this at least 3 times. Maybe more,  but I wasn’t going to watch the whole movie again to count. She gets dumped by her boyfriend because of her controlling ways, but her loving and surprisingly well-adjusted sister talks her into going on her honeymoon anyway but with  her instead. There in Niagara, she meets Mike, her tour guide who’s is a fly by the seat of his pants kind of guy and her complete opposite. So naturally, they fall in love while he teaches her that life is more than itineraries and highlighters, and she turns his frown (bad breakup) upside down.

It started off pretty well and I have liked both Jocelyn Hudon and Dan Jeannotte in other things. They were fine, and the their banter was bright and energetic. However, Maddie got on my bad side right off the bat. She was just horrible to Jason, her fiance. I don’t know how they got past the first date let alone forged a 3 year relationship. First off, she threw  away his lucky socks after taking his laundry home against his wishes. Again. These are socks he has worn to every successful sales presentation since he was 20 years old. And he has one of his most important meetings the day she threw them out. He is actually pretty nice about it. But why would she do that? Surely she knew how attached to those lucky socks he was? If she didn’t know, that is just as bad. She doesn’t express any regret for her actions, but asks him what he wants to add to their honeymoon itinerary. He says he wants to find a golf course but she shuts that idea down immediately getting all twitchy about him wanting to play golf on their honeymoon. They meet later at a coffee shop. He is late because he failed to land the account without his lucky socks and is understandably not in the best of moods. She criticizes his lateness, has already ordered for him, and, last straw, nags him about putting his napkin in his lap. He breaks up with her, telling her that she  is too controlling, bossy, and not spontaneous. Now this guy is no prize. He had “bad boyfriend” vibes going on all around him, but such was Maddie’s neurotic and callous behavior, that I didn’t blame him one bit. She definitely had a long way to go on the road to mental health. So that was fine. Enter Niagara Falls and Mike the Tour-guide. And sure enough, it is not long before she is taking risks and being adventurous and is falling for Mike. And he has a major crush on her. They almost kiss. Almost, because while falling for Mike, she has been posting free-spirited fun-loving pictures of herself on social media with the sole purpose of getting Jason back. It works. He reaches out, she reaches back, and before you know it, he shows up in Niagara and they are engaged again. She has not changed, and has apparently learned nothing after all. Mike has been tossed aside like…a pair of old socks? And not only that, but she stands him up when she promised him faithfully to support him at his open mike night. See, Mike is not really a tour guide, he is an aspiring singer/songwriter and he wrote a song about her just for the occasion. He is so devastated by her betrayal that he blows the whole thing and walks off the stage.

So Mike. What kind of a guy is he? He has been sad, sulky, and a big baby ever since he was dumped by his girlfriend two years ago. He was given a job as a tour guide by his best friend, where we see his attitude has almost ruined her fledgling business. He probably should have been fired long ago. I don’t know what he would have done to keep him from destitution though, because he has no prospects, or, in my opinion, talent,  as a singer/songwriter. No large nest egg or other backup career is mentioned. And he has no backbone. When Madeleine behaves like a dirt-bag and stabs him in the back, instead of showing a little of the courage he has been preaching to her, he falls to pieces.

Anyway, Maddie dumps her fiance at the airport when she finds out he is going to play golf the next morning (she really hates golf). She returns to the Falls just in time to attend the wedding of some new friends along with her sister, Mike, and his nice boss/best friend. Her sister has had her own little plotlet as well. She ends up giving up her boring high-paying job to be a photographer (my least favorite Hallmark profession) just as Maddie is going to abandon her successful business (Taxes by Madeleine) featuring a spacious office complex and conference room with a beautiful view of San Francisco. She is moving to Niagara Falls to explore a possible relationship with poor Mike, who promises his boss to try harder to be a good tour guide.  

So happy ending? I don’t consider an ending happy unless there is a clear path to a successful future ahead for our temporarily joyful couple.

Rating: 4 out of 10.

Legend of the Lost Locket

No Festival, but a Fancy Dress Ball

Ummm. It’s a good thing this girl is an antique dealer and not a detective. She, Amelia, is a successful and well-known owner of a fine antique shop in London. She is looking to expand to Paris or Amsterdam but needs more capital to do so. To that end, she is on a mission to find the other half of a valuable locket her dead mother bought for oodles of money. Once the two pieces of the locket are reunited it will be worth lots more. Lots and lots. Like Sotheby’s level. The locket was supposedly made for Queen Elizabeth I by her true love, Robert Dudley. More importantly, she wants to find this for her mother’s sake because it was her mother’s fondest desire and she worked hard, unsuccessfully, to do so.

As the movie opens, Amelia has learned that the other half of the locket may be in Massachusetts. The locket was given to one of the Queen’s ladies-in-waiting and passed down. Her descendant gave half of it to her forbidden lover when they were sadly parted. He was a poor carpenter and she was a rich Lady and he left for America to prove himself worthy of her. We know he did because he founded a whole town in Massachusetts called Wilmaton, Wilma being his lost love’s name. Why, I wonder. She tragically died in a fire back in England and Jacob changed his name to James and married another woman named Jane.

So off Amelia goes to Massachusetts to find the half of the locket that James took with him. She meets the sheriff who is the love interest. The little town of Wilmaton, which Amelia soon discovers has antiques coming out the ying-yang that she can appraise for free, is, like all Hallmark small towns, not thriving. Amelia gets involved while having all kinds of adventures seeking out the locket with the help of the sheriff. She gets arrested breaking into the town archives, meets James and Jane’s only living ancestor, Enid, finds a portrait obscured by smoke damage, goes to Boston to have it restored, finds out someone is spying on her, and Enid’s place is ransacked. Is someone trying to beat Amelia to the locket? All indications point to “yes”.  And throughout we have little tidbits about how different the English language in the U.K. is different from in the United States. Like “jumpers” and “chips” and how “Featherstonehaugh” is pronounced “Fanshaw.”

**spoilers**

The reason I say that Amelia is not a very good detective is that 40 minutes in she all but ignores a big clue that Enid puts in her hands referring to it as a “family legacy.” It is a sampler embroidered by James’ wife Jane which unusually features an original poem. The poem provides all of the clues to where the locket is and also discloses that James and Wilma were actually reunited in America. I know this because I put my DVR on pause and read the thing. If only Amelia had read it. And it is not the only clue she  ignores either. She is not helped by her new friends not sharing important little nuggets of information and just casually dropping them in random conversation. Maybe Amelia’s lack sleuthing skills is why this movie was not on Hallmark Mystery.

Despite Amelia’s lack of detective skills, this was a pretty harmless and mildly entertaining effort that kept me interested watching Amelia run all around looking for clues and then ignoring them. They find the other part of the locket, finally, and save the town. I was really interested in who the locket belonged to. I would have thought it was Enid’s, she being the only descendant of the original owner, but apparently, the current owner of the property where it was found had a share in it as well. The miracle is that it was all worked out without lawyers. After all the to-do about it, it is very vague as to whether anyone actually got any money for it. I think what happened is that Amelia donated her half to the town and the other half was donated to the town by the co-owners, uniting the the two halves and saving the town by making it a mecca for lovers and antique enthusiasts. I hope that they erect a statue to those three women because it was surely one of the most selfless and generous acts of charity in the history of Hallmark. If that is what happened. It surely rates a least a plaque, anyway. Or maybe Amelia gets her new antique shop in Wilmaton rent free in perpetuity.

Rating: 7 out of 10.

Blind Date Book Club

Book It!

I really really liked this. Although in many ways it was a typical Hallmark romance, it was distinguished by the lack of  tiresome crutches tactics that Hallmark typically depends on to advance the story, create a little drama, or motivate change and growth in the hero or heroine. And let me tell you, it was extremely refreshing.

Meg owns a bookstore in Nantucket that she took over when her mom died. She is making a success of it, thank you very much. She is keeping up with the times technology-wise, has promotions, and does publicity like being interviewed by NPR. Most germane to this story, she also has a started a book club where people can bond over books that they buy in her store. And if a little romance or two gets started, well, all the better. But Meg is all about the books not the matchmaking, although it is that aspect that is getting her bookstore some good press. The fact that Meg really knew how to run a bookstore and was making a go of it got my attention right away, to say the least. How original! But wait, there is a “but”. Her aunt, who is a silent partner, wants to sell her share of the business so she can travel in her senior years and Meg has to decide whether to buy her out and keep the store, or sell it and go back to Boston and her previous career as a successful Realtor.

Meanwhile, we have Graham Sterling, the other half of our prospective couple. He is a successful author of a YA fantasy/coming of age series. But he feels he is in a rut and has a yen to branch out and write more mature fiction. To  that end, he has written a serious historical romance which he has had privately printed under a pseudonym because all his publisher is interested in is the next installment in the very profitable series he is famous for. He hears Meg being interviewed about her bookstore and her “blind date book club” and likes what she has to say about books. He decides to take his book to her, have her read it, and hopefully get it chosen for the next book club. He hopes the book will find an audience, in spite of his agent (Daniel Bacon) and publisher.

Cue Meet Cute, Instant attraction and Flirting. However, the fly in the ointment is that after Meg reluctantly reads the handsome first-time author’s book, she has to tell him the truth. She doesn’t like it, and tells him why. Openness, honesty, and communication are very rare in many romances, not just Hallmark, because if everyone were open and honest with each other, there wouldn’t a movie (or book), or it would be really short. And the communication continues! He admits to her almost right away that he is famous author Graham Sterling and knows a thing or two about writing a good book. If Meg will choose the book for her next book club even though she doesn’t like it, he will do a signing at her store. Even though she feels kind of bad, because she usually only chooses books she herself endorses,  being a good business woman, how can she refuse? While waiting for the day the book club will discuss his book, Meg and Graham’s relationship develops maturely. They kiss! Meg’s decision about her future looms  as does the pressure that Graham is under to produce the next installment in his series. The ante is upped when the NPR lady announces she will attend the book club discussion and record it. Also, Graham also insists on attending incognito and that he can handle honest and frank criticism of his work. Everything comes to a head on the night and things do not go smoothly. In fact it turns into quite the entertaining shit show.

This was standard fare in many ways but what made it special was what it didn’t have.  No business that needed to be saved,  no last minute silly conflict between the lovebirds, no festival, no flirty antics and tomfoolery, no interrupted almost-kiss, no dead-mom issues, no commitment-phobia, no on-going lies, etc. And, most stunningly, the idea that following your dream is not always the way to fulfillment. In the end, he defers his ambition to write more serious fiction to continue to give joy to his millions of fans. The romance was just straightforward and mature relationship building set against realistic life and career change decisions to be made. Robert Buckley and Erin Krakow were great together and separately. I really like almost everything about this movie. There were a couple of things that I didn’t understand about the book club, but I really didn’t care. It was well-written and acted and definitely re-watchable. **7 1/2 stars/10**

That’s the review, but I do want to mention a side item that I sometimes have a few things to say about. Stop reading if you don’t care about Makeup/cosmetics.

I sometimes complain about how the actresses in Hallmarks are made up so unrealistically. I am happy to report for those interested, that Erin Krakow’s makeup in this was perfection. When going to an event, she was glammed up, when working in the bookstore, she looked natural and business-like, and when at home she had little to no makeup on at all. In fact, in what I believe is a first for Hallmark, there is even a scene where she actually washes her face  getting ready for bed. Just like in real life!  Call me petty, but for me, this was huge and I added half a star.

Rating: 8 out of 10.

Black Sheep

by Rachel Harrison

**spoilers**

For some reason, all dogs hated me

I like a good thriller and welcome paranormal elements in a few types of books. But I didn’t quite expect how all of this played out. I knew something was up when the bowl of nacho sauce exploded in the face of a guy who was being a jerk to our heroine. I’ve read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, binged Stranger Things, and have seen Carrie. And any reader knows that, despite appearances, if dogs love you, you are a good person at heart, but if they don’t, there is something seriously wrong with you. But I didn’t expect it to be so full-on. I don’t know why it came as such a surprise (not shock-there is a difference) because the clues were there barely 10% into the book

The dog…went on yapping, clawing, baring its teeth, trying to get to me. Eventually, the girl got up and moved, eyeing me as she did. “He’s never like this,” she muttered to herself as she passed by.

Vesper is smart, funny, and beautiful. Too smart and beautiful to be waitressing in a chain restaurant in New Jersey. We learn that she has been on her own for 5 years because shortly before she reached her 18th birthday, she escaped from a strict and fanatical religious cult. While growing up, she had always been indulged and treated as if she was special despite her indifferent and sometimes cruel mother.  The loving father she adored had left her and the community when she was 11 and she still yearns for him.  She never believed in “The Lord” and felt like an outsider. Yet, outside and free from the cult, she still is an outsider. She does not play well with others. She is lonely and unloved.  So when she receives an invitation to attend the wedding of her childhood best friend who is marrying “the only boy she had ever loved”, she can’t resist returning and attending. She is welcomed back with open arms except by her mother (who is a retired “scream queen” movie star). The reader is introduced to Rosie and Brody, the bride and groom-to-be, who are like a Disney princess and her handsome prince come to life.

I wondered what had caught [Rosie’s] attention. She was peach sweet, would stop to admire a rainbow, marvel at a praying mantis.

Wait, what? A praying mantis?

Anyway, early in the book we learn that the cult that has all the hallmarks of fanatical fundamentalist Christianity is not what we have been led to believe.

“Praise to Him.” “Praise to Him.” Their god. Not mine. Never mine. “Hail Satan!” “Hail Satan!” “Hail Satan,” I muttered, infusing my tone with sarcasm to curb my nerves.

Even though I was not surprised, it was shocking to see it in print. And she learns that her father was not like herself: a rebel who left because he didn’t “believe” like the rest of them, but the head honcho himself whom the rest of the community worships. Satan.

It was him. My father. “Look at you,” he said. “My girl.” “What are you doing here?” “I’m here to see you,” he said. Then he gestured around the room. “And my friends. To join the party.” “Praise be!” someone shouted. “Hail Satan!” “Uh . . .” I looked over my shoulder to my mother, who blinked rapidly, fake lashes aflutter. “Everyone,” he said. “Please, rise. It is so good to see you all. It’s been too long. I . . . have been busy. Very, very, very busy.”

After this big reveal halfway through the novel, I was hoping, like Vesper, that her father and his followers were delusional. The clues in the beginning that she has “powers” she is not aware of and an alien or strange nature that repels dogs (and probably cats if there were any in this book) were “just one of those things.”

I was eager to dismiss it all—I didn’t believe in powers or magic or gods or any of that pixie-dust bullshit. I never had, and I refused to start because of my delusional father. I understood that belief was a slippery slope. If you wanted to believe in something, opened yourself up, suddenly you were seeing signs, assigning meaning, taking coincidences as proof. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t.

But finally, the truth is revealed and is impossible to deny. She is not just in a big drug-induced hallucination. She is Satan’s Spawn. “Lucifer Junior”, “The Harbinger”, The Princess of Hell. The Antichrist. A Reluctant Antichrist, but The Antichrist nonetheless. And her role is to be a sacrificial lamb to initiate the Apocalypse and destroy the world the non-Satanists have ruined (Climate change and inflation, it is clarified) leaving no survivors except Satan’s true followers. But Vesper, with a little help from someone unexpected, fights back.

This book did live up to the hype. It was horrific, irreverent, sharp, and funny. “The Princess Diaries meets Dante’s Inferno”* I loved Vesper and her voice. But the book did not address the elephant in the room. And that is, if Satan really does exist, then so does God. If the book had gone deeper and Vesper had had that revelation and dealt with it, the book could have gotten a higher rating from me.

Rating: 3 out of 5.

*Eric LaRocca, Horror novelist.

An Easter Bloom

Flower Power

Aimee Teegarden plays a young lady in her mid twenties who has lost her faith because her Dad, who was very into church and Christianity, died of a heart attack. She has come home to “the farm” to help her still religious mother. The farm is a flower farm that is struggling because of what I like to call “bad business.” This is a condition that most Hallmark businesses that need to be saved suffer from. Basically, it can be defined as owners who, allergic to making a profit, try to run a business based on a very flawed business plan. This includes but is not limited to having a store with little to no merchandise in it, having a store with merchandise that people only buy a  month and a half out of the year, merchandise that no one would ever want and refusing to sell merchandise that they actually might want, a business that gives its products away for free, a business with no workers or volunteer workers, owners who have no idea how to use modern business tools like social media, etc., etc. To add to the financial difficulties, usually the owners live in huge and gorgeous  McMansions as do Aimee and her mother. Their lifestyle is supported by people who come to the flower farm to “pick their own bouquets”. There is no mention of any large clients who buy their flowers wholesale in bulk. No 1-800-FLOWERS inc., in sight. Plus this is one of those farms that don’t have any farm workers.

Because of too cold weather, the flowers of Aimee’s flower farm won’t grow in time for Easter, prime bouquet season. We know this because Aimee keeps stabbing at the concrete-like ground with a farm implement and muttering things about God in a bad way. Also they apparently don’t have a greenhouse. Presumably her farm is all perennials because there is no mention of not being able to plant seeds, which wouldn’t bloom in time for Easter anyway. But the odd thing is that there are flowers all around everywhere you look in this town, including in Aimee’s house. Where are those flowers coming from? Maybe Aimee and her mother’s farm is cursed, because it is apparently the only flower farm in the north east that can’t grow flowers. Maybe they need an exorcist in addition to the mother’s faith and prayer.  Anyway, the mortgage has not been paid in months and they just got a foreclosure letter from the bank. Aimee can’t believe it and doesn’t understand. Plus, the bank has turned down their loan application which is not surprising because they have not paid their mortgage in months and are foreclosing. It’s like trying to pay your credit card bill with your credit card. But Aimee and her mother are very disappointed that their fool-proof plan of borrowing money from the people you owe money to did not work. Possible salvation arrives when their good-guy neighbor offers to buy the farm for a generous amount of money which sounds like more than the farm is worth. He is turned down because that is the way it is with struggling businesses in Hallmarkland. The struggling owners always prefer to have the bank take over leaving them with nothing rather than selling their failing businesses for mucho dinero. In order to stave off disaster, Aimee is going to increase her hours at the coffee shop she works at and her mother will do more baking of Snickerdoodles that the coffee shop owner has generously offered to sell without taking a cut of the profits. Good plan. Solid. People like to give Aimee and her mother stuff throughout this whole movie. Also, the mom is going to increase her hours at the accountants. What? She works for an accountant? Amazing.

Thanks to her new friendship with a nice woman and former florist who has moved back to town from a long absence, Aimee enters a statewide flower arranging contest which she had no idea existed despite selling flowers for a living. The prize money for first prize is $20,000 dollars! Who is sponsoring this contest that can afford to offer a $20,000 purse for first prize? That’s the business I would want to be in. This nice woman is the mother of the new pastor at church who is the love interest. While teaching Aimee the basics of flower arranging she is also one of the several sources of inspirational quotes that inspire Aimee throughout the movie and, along with the handsome new pastor, lead her back to church and God.

Spoiler alert. To make a long story short, Aimee comes in second and doesn’t get the $20,000 needed to save the farm. The pastor and she become a couple after a breach is healed caused by Aimee eavesdropping on a private conversation the pastor was having and her misunderstanding of what was going on.  His mother heals a beef she has had with the town grouch with a heart of gold, who happens to be the winner of the $20,000 prize. Also the pastor tells his parishioners his big secret that he is a fan of extreme sports and because of an accident he had, he was almost paralyzed and one of his former students was left in a wheelchair. Throughout the movie, Aimee has been accepting gifts from the kind (or spellbound) townspeople. Buying all of moms snickerdoodles, free flowers so she doesn’t have to practice with artificial ones, free flower arranging lessons, free clothes, etc. So it is no surprise when the winner of the contest, for no reason whatsoever, bestows her prize money on Aimee with no strings attached. Aimee is pleased to accept.  So the farm is temporarily saved. Do the flowers ever sprout? We never find out. But it doesn’t matter, because Aimee and mom are finally going to have another income stream thanks to the bright idea of turning the farm into a wedding venue. There is no evidence that they know anymore about weddings than they do about flowers, but let’s have faith that it just might work. Bless them.  I’m giving this 5 stars because I like Ben Hollingsworth who played the pastor. His mother was nice and I like the actress who played her too. It was a sweet movie that was very appropriate for Easter, being about miraculous happenings and such.

Rating: 5 out of 10.

Seven Strange Clues (Judy Bolton #4)

By Margaret Sutton

“All kinds of ghastly things may have happened in this tunnel. What’s that?”

The others turned as he said it and when they saw what had frightened Horace he looked a little sheepish. Blackberry was climbing down the ladder. But the cat certainly made an eerie picture as his agile body descended noiselessly….Irene shivered and clutched Horace’s arm.

“There’s something about cats that I don’t quite like,” she said “….not black ones in cellars.”

The shadow of the murdered Vine Thompson still lingers over Judy’s house on Grove Street and once again, her evil doings continue to provide Judy with mysteries to solve and adventures to be had. There is more than one mystery in this fourth book in the series. It starts out innocently enough with Judy and her school friends planning to enter a poster contest to celebrate “Health Week”. Meanwhile, Dr. Bolton has rented out his garage to two strangers who board at Irene’s house. They offer to build a workbench in the Bolton’s cellar with some lumber in the garage. Judy, and Honey will work on their posters there.

Despite her distinct lack of artistic talent, Judy decides to paint a bowl of fruit for her poster.

Golly! It’s bright [Horace] exclaimed “What is it? The sun?”

“Of course not, Silly. Can’t you see it’s in a blue dish?”…

I thought that was the sky.”

“You had the picture upside down.”

“So I did. Hmm! I see now. It’s an orange. Looks as if it’s beginning to go bad. But Judy, seriously, orange leaves aren’t yellow and they aren’t as long as this”…If you just put a little more green in those leaves——

“But they’re not leaves. They’re bananas!”

When Judy wins first prize, everyone is in shock. Sweet Mrs. Bolton wonders if Judy’s poster was taken “for one of those modernistic paintings.” When they go to the exhibit at Brandt’s department store where the posters are being displayed, they see that someone has put Judy’s name on someone else’s beautifully done poster. Why? What are the strange sounds coming from the cellar, and why are papers missing and who ate the apple out of Judy’s bowl of fruit? Why has snobby, mean, and hateful Kay Vincent suddenly befriended poor Irene? Why is Honey behaving so strangely? Why does Kay’s poster have a missing corner and a smudge on it? And most importantly of all, who burned down the High School?

All eyes turn to Judy and she is persona non grata when it is suspected that she took someone else’s poster and claimed it as her own. To make matters worse, it is Honey’s poster that someone has put Judy’s name on, and Honey is not happy. Rumors are spreading that, incredibly, Judy or Honey is the one who burned down the school! And why are the shades always drawn on the car that Irene’s boarders are keeping in Judy’s garage? It all comes to a head when Judy discovers a secret room underneath the Bolton’s cellar complete with a tunnel leading to their garage. I will say no more except to point out that this book was written in 1932, 1 year before Prohibition ended.

This one excelled in tying all of the diverse mysteries into a neatly packaged whole. Both the personal dramas and the genuine criminality that Judy uncovers make for one of the better books in the series. Judy single-handedly extracts a confession from the culprit who started the school fire,  and her detective work leads to the disgrace of a prominent citizen of Farringdon. At least we hope so. She even is responsible for getting Irene out of the drudgery of her life as a mill worker. This book advances the relationships between Judy and her friends, and justice is served on all fronts. But have we seen the last of Kay Vincent? Time will tell.

Rating: 5 out of 5.

The Secret Book of Flora Lea

By Patti Callahan Henry

Loved the title. Loved the cover. Loved the premise. The book was a real mess. I usually don’t rate books as low as 2 stars simply because I usually quit reading them well before I feel qualified to pass judgment on them. But this started off well and despite my irritations which built up as the book went on, I was intrigued by the mystery and so I stuck with it, hoping for a big payoff at the end.

Hazel works in a rare bookstore in London but this is her last day as she is about to go to her dream job at Sotheby’s after a short vacation to Paris with her long-term boyfriend. She is sad about leaving because the owners are like her family. Alone in the office, Hazel opens a shipment of rare books and much to her shock they include a manuscript of a children’s fantasy book called Whisperwood and the River of Stars by Peggy Andrews.

When Hazel was a teenager she and her little sister, 6-year-old Flora, were sent to a little farm near Oxford under Operation Pied Piper. This was a scheme at the beginning of WWII to send many of the children away from London to keep them safe from the bombings. Hazel and her sister are fortunate in that they are taken in by Bridey and her son Harry who are very cool and kind. Hazel and her sister are devoted to each other and are further bonded by a fantasy story that Hazel has created and shares with Flora. They “go into” their fantasy story quite often. It is about a land called Whisperwood and is a great secret between just the two of them. Flora relies on Hazel telling her the story whenever she needs comfort and security and is quite enamored with it. Hazel and Harry become infatuated with each other and one day they leave Flora alone asleep in a meadow by a nearby river. The river plays a role in Whisperwood and Flora is attracted by the “river of stars and galaxies” and falls in. She is never seen again and is presumed drowned though her body is never found.

When Hazel looks at the book in the bookstore office it is her secret fantasy story come to life but expanded and embellished with illustrations. Since no one but her and Flora knew about Whisperwood she concludes that Flora must have survived the fall in the river and somehow told the story to someone who told someone else who wrote a book about it. Or could someone have somehow learned about the story before Flora’s disappearance? Or could Flora actually be Peggy Andrews the American author?! The rest of the book is trying to find and talk to the very private and elusive Peggy and chasing down all of the people she knew way back when who might somehow have heard about Whisperwood. This includes her teenage crush, Harry, whom she rejected out of guilt that she was with him instead of watching after her little sister.

There are many reasons why this book did not work for me, but there are several main ones. First of all the details told about Whisperwood interspersed throughout the novel were too precious. I largely skipped over all the twee descriptions. I don’t want to hear about the weird dream you had last night, either. I didn’t like how Hazel fell back with Harry whom she hadn’t seen in 20 years and didn’t really know anymore. She treated her long-term boyfriend shabbily, professing her love to him right to the point where he rightly didn’t believe her and walked out in hurt and frustration. Hazel rubbed me the wrong way from the minute she stole the valuable manuscript from her employer who was supposedly like family and kept delaying fessing up to him until it was too late. “I can explain” is a refrain we hear too often from Hazel about many of her bad decisions.

**Major Spoilers Ahead**

But the absolute most frustrating thing was that the whole book was about the quest to solve how Hazel’s story made its way to America and Peggy Andrews, but in the end, it was nothing but a wild goose chase. A good bit of the book is spent with Peggy, her secretive mother, and their troubled relationship. Twenty-five-year-old Peggy is the same age Flora would be and the reader is teased constantly that Peggy is Flora. Why else would we spend so much time with them and her romance with her boyfriend, “Wren”? But in the end, all of that time and effort came to nothing. The solution to the mystery of what became of Flora came from out of left field from another source entirely. In fact, Flora and Hazel could have been reunited a year before the events of the book even started. But Hazel being Hazel, she sourly refused to be interviewed by a journalist who was writing a series about the lost children of Operation Pied Piper.

So after Hazel, her mother, and Flora are reunited and all of the circumstances of Flora’s disappearance are unraveled and examined, everyone keeps blathering on to everyone else about the wonder of “Whisperwood” landing on Hazel’s desk and how it was a miracle which led to finding Flora. Hazel is told that even the famous illustrator of the book read an “article in the Oxford Mail about your story, about the stolen illustrations and how they led to the solved cold case of your lost sister, the River Child, as they call her.” This false narrative made a good story but it was all nonsense and very irritating. I kept saying, “Wait, What?! What are they talking about?” I read the chain of events over again, to make sure I hadn’t missed anything. And to be fair, they do learn that Flora did survive the river, but Hazel had already come to that conclusion. Because of the brick wall Hazel and company ran into with Peggy and the book, her frustrated mother talks Hazel into meeting with the journalist who has been “hounding” her (Hazel’s words) for over a year.
I paraphrase:
“Gee Hazel, maybe you should meet with that journalist after all.”
“Absolutely Not, Mum! Why drag all of that tragedy up all over again? It would be too painful”.
“But Hazel, someone might read the story, and know something.”
“Oh. OK, then.”
And that meeting is what solves all of the mysteries and gives the book its happy ending for Hazel and Flora (who had been only a phone call away long before this story even started.)

To add to the pointlessness of it all, we learn at the end that distraught teenage Hazel was in the same local chapel that Flora was hidden in right after she was rescued from the river. Hazel even heard her calling out but she was so wrapped up in her own grief and drama that she dismissed the cries she heard as an owl. So Flora needed to never have been lost to begin with if Hazel hadn’t been so self-involved and oblivious.

When I finally came to the end I felt like I had been on a long trip to nowhere. Instead of The Secret Book of Flora Lea it should have been called When a Respected Journalist Wants to Write About What Became of Your Lost Little Sister who Disappeared 20 Years Ago, Take the Call.

Rating: 2 out of 5.