A Cross Between “Get Out,” “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” and “White Christmas.”

I agree with the reviewers that point out the overall creepy vibe to this film. This has to be the gooiest super cheerful town in the United States. I kept waiting for Captain Super-Cute to discover the microchips in the backs of the necks. Starting with the young bachelor Tom Cruise look-alike judge who seemed like he was competing for Gilderoy Lockhart’s Most Charming Smile Award. Sean Faris, the actor, can’t help what he looks like, but he was obviously trying to channel the Scientology fave with the haircut and the constant smiling. He was very phony and came across as though he were hiding something evil. As did everyone in the town. Don’t get me started on Aunt Nellie and Judge Joe’s scary sister. When Captain Cutie finally escaped on the bus (“I’ll get my car later!”), the local “policeman” brought her back and took her to a house with all of the townspeople waiting for her. It had all the makings of the horror trope of the innocent virgin getting sacrificed by the local coven.

If I didn’t know better I would think Hallmark was spoofing its own Christmas Movies and mocking their fans. This includes me, by the way. I’m not a hater. As I write this I am wearing my “Do not disturb. I am watching Hallmark Christmas Movies” socks. Oh. I forgot to mention my favorite part. Innocent virgin Marine Captain gets a knock of the head and has blood streaming down her face. She is lured to the isolated house of the judge by a dog. Tom Cruise takes her inside, and, while she is still streaming blood (wipe your face, girl!) applies antiseptic cream to her bloody wound without even washing her cut with soap and water or washing his hands. Blech! Come to think about it, maybe that’s when she got chipped.

March 26, 2019