Christmas by Chance

Who is Dumber more uninformed? The Writer or Her Character? Or the Producer? Or the Director? Tough Call.

This has got to be the most idiotic script in the whole wide world.

Chance is the daughter of a prominent collector who has started a gift shop of rarities to honor her late father.

She is so dumb, she doesn’t even know what social media is or what “post” a story or picture means, so of course, her business is a failure. Luckily, her friend and employee does have some 21st-century know-how (20th century would have done) and starts an online presence for the store. Business is improved and maybe she can survive for another month.

She is hired by a wealthy, successful, and very pale businessman to help him court his longtime girlfriend during the Christmas season. Don’t ask. He is “in love” with the shallow but beautiful super-model even though he learns she hates puppies, lies about everything, and owning a tennis bracelet is her life’s dream present. She also hates charity work, or even giving to charity. She might as well hate World Peace, but he perseveres in his courtship even though they have nothing in common and he and Chance are soulmates and she is just as pretty.

For some reason, he thinks giving the book-hater a first edition of A Christmas Carol would be a good idea even though she hates old things. Chance has a copy but since it was a gift from her father, she won’t sell it. But she does have a copy of Jane Eyre she can sell him! By the way, her renowned book collector father defaced the rare Dickens by writing an inscription to his daughter in it.

She vows to find him another and makes a few phone calls. Now a first edition of A Christmas Carol is easily found, if you have $15,000 and know about The Google. OK, you may point out, 21st century challenged Chance doesn’t know about the internet. Except thanks to her friend saving her business by telling her about the internet 45 minutes earlier, she does! Or one of her colleagues she called would have told her. Or, more likely, bought one for $15,000 and sold it to the dopey dame for $16,000. Who probably would have sold it to the guy for $16,001 and apologized while doing so.

When she thinks she has found a copy, she opens the package and finds out she ordered a new biography of Carol Christmas. Oh No! How did that happen? Did she think a first edition of A Christmas Carol would cost the same as a brand new book? Or did she just pay thousands of dollars for a $5 used book? Anyway, she decides to give him her copy. She chunks it in a $2.00 gift bag and leaves the precious treasure in the hands of supermodel who doesn’t know a first edition from the Penguin paperback edition to give to him. In fact, she probably would have thought a new paperback was more desirable than the nasty old book and I’m surprised she didn’t throw it in the dumpster. And this girl is in the antiquities and collectibles business! See what I mean by idiotic? It’s too bad he didn’t want the Jane Eyre because she probably would have sold it to him for 50 bucks. It’s worth $45,000 to $125,000.

I won’t belabor the idiocy but the guy still wants to marry the puppy hater and she has to break up with HIM. Finally, Mr. Rich and Brilliant realizes Chance is the girl for him. The End.

Rating: 1 out of 5.

December 17, 2021

Grounded for Christmas

Winter Storm Meghan is Back and Better Than Ever!

One of my favorite romantic plot devices is the bringing a fake boyfriend home for whatever reason. This one did a great job thanks mostly to the great chemistry between the two likable leads. Cheryl Ladd as the warm and loving mom was a welcome addition. I have seen her also play a cold ruthless boss this Christmas movie season. She was equally believable in both roles. So that must mean she is a very good actress. And she still looks beautiful. The ex-boyfriend was really creepy, by the way. It was hard to swallow how Nina could ever had had her heart broken by him. Very cute and romantic ending.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5.

November 15, 2020

A Veteran’s Christmas

A Cross Between “Get Out,” “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” and “White Christmas.”

I agree with the reviewers that point out the overall creepy vibe to this film. This has to be the gooiest super cheerful town in the United States. I kept waiting for Captain Super-Cute to discover the microchips in the backs of the necks. Starting with the young bachelor Tom Cruise look-alike judge who seemed like he was competing for Gilderoy Lockhart’s Most Charming Smile Award. Sean Faris, the actor, can’t help what he looks like, but he was obviously trying to channel the Scientology fave with the haircut and the constant smiling. He was very phony and came across as though he were hiding something evil. As did everyone in the town. Don’t get me started on Aunt Nellie and Judge Joe’s scary sister. When Captain Cutie finally escaped on the bus (“I’ll get my car later!”), the local “policeman” brought her back and took her to a house with all of the townspeople waiting for her. It had all the makings of the horror trope of the innocent virgin getting sacrificed by the local coven.

She almost got away…

If I didn’t know better I would think Hallmark was spoofing its own Christmas Movies and mocking their fans. This includes me, by the way. I’m not a hater. As I write this I am wearing my “Do not disturb. I am watching Hallmark Christmas Movies” socks. Oh. I forgot to mention my favorite part. Innocent virgin Marine Captain gets a knock of the head and has blood streaming down her face. She is lured to the isolated house of the judge by a dog. Tom Cruise takes her inside, and, while she is still streaming blood (wipe your face, girl!) applies antiseptic cream to her bloody wound without even washing her cut with soap and water or washing his hands. Blech! Come to think about it, maybe that’s when she got chipped.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5.

March 26, 2019