Crushed Ice

This is another Royal Christmas Whatever movie that not only brings nothing to the table but rips the tablecloth out from underneath whatever was there in the first place. To say it was tired and formulaic gives it too much credit. This includes the setting of the Ice Castle Hotel/House/Igloo /Whatever it was in at least the 3rd Hallmark movie in as many years to feature that frozen fortress. I do not even have to summarize the plot because you already know what happens. Stephen Huszar played the prince and if you are a fan, he has a hot tub scene with the heroine, who, may I add, is fully clothed. But I am not a fan of him or his chest. Nothing against him, he is a perfectly serviceable Hallmark Hunk who does not, unfortunately, appeal to me. Newcomer Katie Cassidy plays Ava Jenson (Yenson), a successful respected architect who comes to the Scandinavian Kingdom of Friorland (the “o” has a line through it) to help her Uncle put the finishing touches on the Ice-thingy. Newly single Prince Olaf or whatever his name is is smitten at once while Ava, though acknowledging his pulchritude does that ol’ “my career comes first and I am here to work and not get my uncle in trouble by flirting with a prince” thing. But she is won over during a very awkward day-long and half the night “date” to an isolated but luxurious cabin in the wilderness. They are scenically (white reindeer, Arctic foxes, Northern lights) driven there in a one-horse open sleigh driven by a coachman who mysteriously and permanently disappears into the wilderness so the couple can have their privacy. Nothing happens (she sketches environmentally correct emergency shelters for poor people while he lays out an indoor picnic) but it is sufficient to seal the deal on their “love.”

Now for the bad guys.

It’s not the King and Queen. They are happily married loving parents, although they want Olaf to get married to a proper suitable young lady who is not a scary American. The main evil one is their almost royal head-of-something-or-other who is a stone-cold bitch. She is not very ably assisted by her smug and boring daughter who is the one everyone but Olaf wants Olaf to marry. Actually, his name is Henry. Too talented for this role, Kathryn Kohut plays Sigrid, the daughter. The other cohort is Henry’s own assistant. He starts out not too evil, just bossy and disapproving but by the end is perniciously conspiring with Bitchy McMeany to sully Ava’s name. The successful scheme is so ethically low-down that even the resident paparazzo wants nothing to do with it. **Spoiler**The one light at the end of the tunnel was the anticipation of the evil schemers getting their comeuppance and, if not put to death, at least banished from the Kingdom. I couldn’t wait. But no. In a whiplash-inducing about-face, they turn all nice for no reason other than “Henry looked so sad” and are instrumental in getting Ava back to the palace in time to reunite with the Prince at…wait for it…The Christmas Ball.  It was actually kind of fascinating how they did that. They even let Ava borrow the daughter’s ball gown. Henry looks sternly at them and says he “will talk to them later.”  Needless to say, that is not the gleefully painful end I was hoping for. 4 melted ice cubes. But if you are addicted to Royal-themed romances or Ice Hotels, and have a low bar for these things, you might like it.