The Christmas Charade

Charade…A Nod to a Classic Caper Flick?

Whitney is an elementary school librarian who has always been wrapped in a cocoon of safety by her parents who own a home security firm. Reading a Christmas story to the kids, she concludes with a lecture on the dangers of using incandescent bulbs on a Christmas tree. The kids look at her quizzically. Rachel Skarsten is as appealing as heck in this role. She is single of course, and doesn’t use an online dating app because, you know, Murderers! And she has the stats to back it up. Plus, she is timid and shy, though one senses she wants to break out of her shell.

While on a blind date set up by a trusted friend, she sits down in front of the wrong guy in a green sweater and gets roped into an FBI sting operation. Corey Sevier is Josh, the FBI agent who does not act at all like a blind date should. When she is put in the picture she plays along and gets invited to help plan a Christmas Ball by the FBI target’s girlfriend. The very party that Josh needs to get into to trap his man! Unable to extricate herself without endangering the operation, Whitney agrees to be a part of the sting,  much to Josh’s consternation and objections. Josh is a surly lone wolf type who grew up in foster care, does not have a family, and is not a Christmas fan. “It’s just another day to me”. Cue montage of Josh “training” Whitney in basic FBI survival skills. Since Whitney learned how to defend herself at an early age thanks to her parents, during the martial arts tutorial she whips Josh’s butt. Whitney starts to enjoy herself. In fact, throughout the movie, Whitney proves to be much better at Josh’s job than Josh is. He is played by Corey Sevier, who is as good in his role as Rachel is in hers.  The chemistry between the two was terrific, as it has to be between the two leads in a caper movie. Or was this a parody of a caper movie? When I think about it, I’m going to go with parody. Nothing concerning their mission is grounded in reality and they are laughably inept at everything they do to catch the bad guys. But they never get caught out because the bad guys are even more inept. This theory also covers some inexplicable plot holes that I would have to blame someone for. It was helmed by the directing and writing team of  Corey, who is a favorite of mine, and his writing partner and real-life wife, Kate Pragnell.  What was with that Tango scene that dropped into the movie out of nowhere? And the magic rope that formed a loop in midair? The script was cute and clever. At one point when Whitney and Josh are crawling through the ventilation system, Whitney quotes from Die Hard, “the best Christmas movie ever.” Yes, they went there.

The one strike against this movie, for me, was Whitney’s parents. They made me feel very stabby, especially her controlling father, who smothered her with over-protectiveness for most of the movie. I don’t want to spoil anything (this time) but in a very funny twist at the end, their whole schtick led to the best scene in the movie. All was forgiven by me, (but not Whitney.) That is, until the inevitable reconciliation scene which concludes the story. Of course we also have the kiss at the very end when Whitney and Josh decide to be girlfriend and boyfriend for reals.

Rating: 8 out of 10.

The Heiress and the Handyman

No Cents and No Sense

This premiered on Hallmark +, the Hallmark streaming service, about 2 weeks ago and it has garnered numerous reviews on IMDb and comments on Reddit, mostly negative. I can’t really disagree with them. There were a few kind reviews as well, and I can’t really disagree with those either. I don’t subscribe to Hallmark + so my first taste of this one was its premiere, last night on the Hallmark Channel. Two aspects of this movie seemed to rile most of the reviewers, namely Jodie Sweetin’s hairstyle, indeed, her hair itself, and the set decoration. Jodie’s hair was indeed confusing. I was a bit mesmerized by it. It was obviously a wig, and a bad one, but why? The internet demands answers!

The sets looked like Hobby-Lobby threw up all over them, after which a few “set decorators” came in to rearrange and evenly distribute the detritus on fences, wind it around pillars in the form of garlands,  and glue it to indoor and outdoor walls. Orange and yellow leaves and things made out of orange and yellow leaves were all over the place. This movie was not produced by Hallmark but purchased by them from another production company.  I hope they got a good deal.

The plot was the often used “rich heiress loses her fortune but finds the true happiness in the simple life” with a healthy dose of “fish out of water.” Often the key to her awakening is bonding with a child of some sort and a handsome man who is often the father of said child. In this one, it is a pig and a handsome farmer. June (Jodie Sweetin) is reduced to sleeping in her car after losing her entire fortune, but luckily inherits a farm mansion  near Greenville, State Unknown, from a little-known (but beloved!) Aunt. The state is unknown but it is in America, in the country, and they grow a lot of apples there. Also a lot of deciduous trees with lots of autumn-colored leaves. All proceeds as usual, including a Fall Harvest Festival and a pie baking competition. My main concern with all this was how an Oxford-educated woman could lose her entire fortune to the cryptocurrency crash and never have an inkling as to what was going on. Or was it her business manager who invested all of her money in Shitcoin? In which case, why wasn’t he fired? Later he finds her grandfather’s 1980s stock portfolio somewhere mysterious, and thanks to Grandpa buying Apple for $22 a share, her fortunes and her PJs (Private Jets) are restored to her.

Strangely, I didn’t hate this. I really don’t know why. It had kind of a simple comforting vibe. I like Jodie Sweetin although this was not her best effort, and Corey Sevier who played Bart, the organic farmer, has been excellent depending on the role. His role in this one was bland, and he did that great. I really liked Ann Pirvu who played his sister, and Jenni Burke made the most out of her small role as the pie judge. There were some amusing lines in the script here and there, and the basic plot was as serviceable as the riches-to-rags and back-to-riches trope usually is. I can’t give it more than 5 stars. I guess my one-word summary of the whole thing would be “innocuous.”

Rating: 5 out of 10.

Everything Christmas

Don’t Peek Behind the Curtain

This one was not a real disappointment because, for some reason, I wasn’t expecting much. The leads were likable, not a Hallmark that I pre-judge negatively because of the actors. I’ve always had a soft spot for Cindy Busby and she did her typical Cindy Busby thing in this one. And Corey Sevier is always good. Unfortunately, the plot was rather a throwaway one, and I didn’t think Cindy and Corey had great chemistry. Although at least in this one there was not a big age gap. And yes, I can buy the 40-year-old actors being 32. I don’t think Hallmark had a lot of faith in this one. The production values were sub-par and the title is vague and seems lazy.

Lori Jo quits her job in the first scene because her bratty boss who has a man bun tells her she must work through the holidays and she has Christmas plans that are 10 years in the making. She is going to Yuletide Springs, the ultimate Christmas town, to put a special ornament on their town Christmas Tree. This is a trip she had always planned with her Grandmother, who unfortunately has recently died. She is doing this for Gran. She convinces her friend and co-worker, Tori, who is much more practical and down to earth to go with her.  What we have here is a road trip. And it’s kind of blah.

On the first day out,  LJ meets her Christmas-loving soulmate, a garage-owning mechanic who rescues the pair when their car breaks down. A magic Santa Claus figure also enters the picture and he gives the trio each a little gift that will prove to be mysteriously useful in the next few days. Through a series of his seemingly magical manipulations, Zack, the garage owner meets up again with LJ and Tori even though they are much further down the road from where they left him in his garage. This was confusing and I really needed a map. They have been diverted by Magic Santa whose name is Kris Kringle (nothing subtle there!) to another town on the way to Yuletide Springs. There, Tori meets her lovematch, Jason, and they visit an attraction called the Enchanted Forest, where the first gift comes into play. Jason decides to join them as Zack drops out because he has to go back to work.

Skip skip skip. They eventually get to Yuletide Springs, which is somewhere out west (I need a map!!) and LJ breaks the special ornament while hanging it on the special Christmas tree.  Another gift comes in and the situation is saved in another seemingly magical and fateful way. Also, Zack shows up in Yuletide Springs. The movie ends in a strange way. All through the movie, we are wondering if this Kris Kringle is the real Santa or just a magician. When they reach Yuletide Springs, Kris is there and established as the town Santa. By this time all 4 are convinced that there is real Santa magic going on, but then we learn some information to the contrary. He is a retired professional illusionist named Chris Bronstad. They are confused and disappointed. Especially Tori who has been the “logical explanation” girl throughout the whole movie. But all those magical occurrences that happened on the way to Yuletide Springs can not be explained by a magician’s tricks and illusions. It ends with some dissonance that is rather awkward. And you know what? It could have been fixed by having Chris’s surname mean something like magical or mysterious elf or saint or something in Swedish. But wait, that elf at the very end. Haven’t we seen her before? I’m still confused, but as Chris/Kris says at the end, “Don’t peek behind the curtain.” Mmmmm…that doesn’t fly with me. I probably won’t be peeking at this one again. But not horrible.

Rating: 6 out of 10.

Take Me Back for Christmas

When You are Granted a Wish, Don’t be Vague.

I was looking forward to this because time travel or alternate reality plots are almost always interesting and involving. I liked the two leads.  Vanessa Lengies handled the comedy and the drama (there is always comedy and drama in Alternate Reality plot lines) like a champ and her quirky beauty was a big plus. In fact, all the actors in this one did a great job. No weak links at all. Corey Sevier has only grown in my estimation in the last little while. He has always been appealing looks-wise, but his performance in Noel Next Door as a slightly disabled stroke victim really sealed the deal for me. I also liked his performance in Love in Translation an UPtv production, as a somewhat nerdy academic. It was kind of obscure and not really very popular, but it’s always stuck with me for some reason. I also noticed that he directed this one as well, and in my opinion, did a fantastic job. I am no expert in cinema by any means, but he made some interesting choices that really stood out for me, from the choice of family photos, to filming one emotional scene at the end showing only the back of Vanessa’s head against the night sky. I don’t know why, but as someone who doesn’t really notice “direction” per se unless it is really bad, I was impressed.

Anyway, enough about Corey. Vanessa plays Renee, a happily married store clerk hoping for a promotion that is never coming and still grieving for her dead mother. The couple is struggling financially because they can’t really afford the house that her mother left her. Her husband Aaron (Corey) wants to sell up and move to New York City to pursue their dreams in the food industry, but Renee is “stuck.” She is afraid of change and does not want to leave her childhood home.

After a particularly bad day at work, she takes a mysterious elf’s offer of a new life by ringing a magic bell. Kimberly-Ann Truong as the elf gives a funny and eccentric performance and was a highlight (Thank-you, no magic Santa in this one). Suddenly Renee is living her dream life. She is the head of a national meal kit company with a very fancy office and a fabulous wardrobe. Sometimes, I swear, you can tell Hallmark’s enthusiasm for a particular project by the female lead’s wardrobe. If so, Hallmark was very enthusiastic about this movie. Vanessa looked fabulous in her very sophisticated and fashion-forward outfits. Or again, maybe it was the director. And then her mother walks into her very sumptuous penthouse. Her mother is alive in this new life and her old cheerful cancer-free self. The only fly in the ointment is that she is no longer married to Aaron. She dumped him in favor of her career. She tracks him down and he has also prospered as the chef and part owner of a restaurant and he is very surprised and not thrilled to see her. If only she can woo him back, save her company (yes, there’s that), save his restaurant (and that), she will really truly have the perfect life now that her mom is now in the land of the living. The only other person who is in both her old life and this new one is her old best friend. They are strangers in this new life, but they meet up and she gives Renee support and kindness in her hour of need. It was kind of random how that worked out. Maybe I need to watch this one again. It won’t be a hardship.

But I digress. Uh oh. Here comes that elf again with some bad news. It all works out in some predictable and unpredictable ways. It really kept me guessing and even worrying. While most of the movie is light-hearted and humorous, it does not shy away from sadness and poignancy toward the end. And yes, lessons are learned. Here’s one free of charge: “When you’ve met your person, home becomes less of a place and more of a feeling.”

Rating: 8.5 out of 10.

The Dog Lover’s Guide to Dating

Bad Doggy!

Based on the lively previews, I was looking forward to this first Hallmark offering of 2023. I’m sorry to say that it was very disappointing. Especially considering the sometimes stellar parade of Christmas movies. The first scene with a dog getting away from Corey Sevier and creating havoc among picnickers in a park was entertaining and amusing, but it went downhill from there. Plot and character-wise, it ended up dull and mediocre throughout, although the script had some semi-clever lines, occasionally.

Corey Sevier plays an advertising guy who is trying to get together with a beautiful model turned designer, We know she is meant to be shallow and “not worthy”  by her valley girl inflections and vocal fry. Her dog is a hindrance to the insipient romance as he is badly behaved and doesn’t like Corey. After Corey is rescued by our dog-trainer heroine from the ruckus in the park, he hires her to train the dog or help him train the dog, or train him to handle the dog, or something.

I didn’t like her. Her character has been stunted by her father’s abandonment of her and her sister when they were young girls. She refuses to be open to a relationship with a human man because of course she expects every man to be unreliable and to abandon her as her father did. Instead, she showers all her love on her dog while still acting flirty with the two main men. Dogs are famously loyal and reliable, as we are reminded throughout. We know this girl needs therapy when in the first scene we see her fixing an elaborate breakfast complete with a cheese omelet, bacon, hashbrowns, fresh sliced tomatoes, and garnished with parsley. For her dog. Meanwhile, she eats a power bar. I guess this was supposed to be cute and endearing but to me, it just came across as silly, stupid, and very unhealthy for her pet. This wasn’t just a treat. This is every morning. And from someone who either should have known better or just doesn’t care. Despite her likable and sensible sister’s advice and counseling, she remains stuck throughout the whole movie, causing her to be very annoying. There was no growth. She just finally listens to her sister and changes her mind at the end. The actress was a fresh face and had talent. She even kind of had a Julia Roberts thing going on with her hair down. It wasn’t her fault.

Besides my dislike of the heroine, I found Corey Sevier’s performance in this one a little off as well. Can’t quite put my finger on it, I have liked him in the past and he did have a couple of good scenes in this. I found the vet who was his rival for the dog trainer’s affections a little creepy and vaguely sinister. The subplot of “save the dog shelter” is the excuse for Corey and dog girl to spend time together. It also serves to keep the rivals for the couple’s affections in the picture. Presumably amping up the tension and suspense. What a laugh. The scheme they came up with was unbelievable and contrived. He is putting his talents to work by throwing an exclusive gala and silent auction to scrape up the money for the shelter’s owner to buy the building which is being sold out from under her. They didn’t even try to make any aspect of this scheme even vaguely credible. So unlikable and uninteresting characters, a silly plot, not enough humor, and irresponsible pet ownership. Not good.

Rating: 4 out of 10.

Noel Next Door

A Good Start to the Season

And so it begins. This offering is the official kick-off to Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas. By December 18th, there will be a total of 31 Christmas movies, and this does not include 9 more that will be showing on Hallmark’s Movies and Mysteries. Some will be awful, most average, and some really good. But one thing’s for sure, there will be more diversity than ever. Not only with age, ethnicity, and sexual orientation but culturally as well. Kwanzaa and Hanukkah will be celebrated and 2 Chinese celebrations will be featured. For those who like to keep that kind of thing to a minimum, you can head on over to GAC along with Candace Cameron Bure, Danica Mckellar, Jen Lilley, and Trevor Donovan. In addition, Lifetime will have an additional 15 Christmassy contributions with a little more edge to them and probably even more diversity.

Anyway, back to Noel Next Door. It was excellent. A youngish recently divorced mother who works in a diner meets a handsome partially paralyzed stroke victim who is sweet and kind (he gives her a 200% tip on his takeout order) and they are instantly attracted to each other. Her name is Noelle. Yes, really. Meanwhile, her tween son has several run-ins with the neighborhood scrooge who has recently moved into the neighborhood.  In addition to insisting the condominium complex take down their Christmas tree, slamming his door in the faces of some little kid carolers, and walking around with an angry disgusted face all the time, he yells at and threatens young Henry who continually kicks his soccer ball against the wall of his condo. Noelle’s son is a nice boy at home but does have a bit of a bratty side. In other words, he acts like a real kid. Little do the two know, while they fall in love, that he is actually the Christmas-hating neighborhood grouch with an anger management problem, and she is the incompetent mother of a mean little punk.

The tension builds throughout the movie in anticipation of the two neighbors meeting in person and discovering each others’ true identities. Meanwhile, they grow more and more attached and happy with each other. It is handled very well, as the big moment doesn’t come until about the 75% mark and their reactions are pretty hilarious and well-acted. In addition to her work, her son, and her new relationship, Noelle has to deal with an ex-husband who is a one-man asshole parade. He threatens her with a lawyer when she won’t surrender her court-appointed Christmas day with young Henry to him and his mistress at their old home. There is some blind date comedy (Are you one of those people who believes our planet is round?) and some heart-tugging moments as well.

Both Corey Sevier and Natalie Hall were terrific. I still don’t like Natalie’s hair and makeup, but she did well in a more mature down-to-earth role than she is usually given. Joanna Douglas plays her sister and she was lovely and appealing as always. She needs to be given a lead role with Hallmark if she is even interested. Corey had the difficult job of being a bit of a jerk on one hand, and a sympathetic romantic lead on the other. It didn’t hurt that they had a good script to work with. It dealt with serious situations with a nice blend of comedy, drama, and romance along with a good message and plenty of Christmas Spirit to spare.

Rating: 8 out of 10.

Pumpkin Everything

If You Like Pumpkins, You will Love This One. If You don’t, Avoid at All Costs.

Going by the title and the description of the plot, I didn’t hold too much hope for this one, and I was right. This is just your standard Hallmark placeholder with emphasis on the season and the atmosphere, and little emphasis on making a real effort with a good story and script. There was no depth or complexity to this one at all and it is careful not to step outside the box in any way.  There was little humor, other than seeing some of the townspeople pretend to struggle to lift heavy pumpkins which were obviously very fake, very plastic, and as light as feathers.

Taylor Cole, who I didn’t recognize at first, plays Amy, a very successful best-selling author who has just finished the third in her vampire series. Ahem. She comes home right when she is to start her national publicity tour to help her mom take care of  Gramps, played by Michael Ironside who is also unrecognizable. He just drove his truck into the local coffee shop and ended up with a sprained wrist. He is a real piece of work, this one. He has spent the last 15 years or so pouting and sulking that Amy pursued her dream of being a writer instead of taking over his pumpkin store. He even backed out of paying for her college because of it. Jerk.

Despite Amy’s laudably kind and patient efforts, he obstinately remains semi-estranged from her. Add to this, he keeps having accidents because he won’t acknowledge that he is too old and delusional as to his capabilities to live alone safely. He selfishly won’t go into the retirement community which would give his daughter and granddaughter some piece of mind. And he can’t afford it anyway without selling his home and his pumpkin store. Amy’s old boyfriend, a recovering alcoholic and former delinquent (his mother died) is helping him with the store and is doing a great job.

I was just waiting for Amy to cancel her much sought-after promotional appearance on a national morning show to cater to the old coot, but that didn’t happen. If it had I would have turned this half-hearted effort off in disgust.  She was actually quite firm with him and confronted him with some home truths a couple of times. So that was good. The other bright spots were the underused Amy Groening who played Amy’s agent and the actress who played Amy’s mother. She has a little romance of her own when she charges in to confront the owner of the coffee shop who is rightly planning to sue Grandpa for demolishing his store and ends up falling for him like a ton of bricks. Also noteworthy was a super hip female resident of the retirement community who connects with Grandpa over their love of jazz.  She was a star. Of course, it all works out in the end, but not without Grandpa falling off a chair end ending up in the hospital (again).  This knocks some sense into him, literally, and he finally agrees to join the retirement community. It is not explained how he is going to afford it though because he basically gives his store to Corey Sevier instead of selling it for mucho dinero. I guess poor Taylor will have to ante up with her book proceeds. Luckily, it looks like she can afford it. I’m guessing the irony of this will be lost on Grandpa.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5.

October 10, 2022

Road Trip Romance

Not Dreadful, but Very Very Average

Which is almost worse than dreadful.

I’m getting to be able to judge if I am going to like a Hallmark( 8, 9, or 10 stars) by the amount and application of make-up the head girl is wearing. Natalie Hall’s foundation and eyelashes were thick and ever-present, therefore I didn’t like this one. As unflattering and aging as a lot of make-up is, at least it was understandable at the beginning when she was pitching her company to a potential client. It’s not like this was a ranch-girl part. But why the next day, when she was off the clock in a small town or alone in a car with someone she supposedly doesn’t like? I mean, how long does it take to put false eyelashes on? And why bother?

Natalie meets an ex-high-school rival in the same distant city while they are both competing for the same contract. And their companies sell the exact crazy thing: very niche mechanical party favors. What are the odds? I guess the same as two rivals both being butterfly wranglers for parties and having their parties right next door to each other at the same time. Even though they are both at least in their 30s, they, at least Natalie, are still nursing their petty high-school grudges.

After their business is concluded they both have to fly back to Hometownsville. She for her sister’s wedding, he for his Dad’s retirement barbecue. The flights have all been canceled. Road Trip! Forced propinquity! Hate to Love! That’s all folks!

A couple of highlights: Along the way, their car break-eth down, and they are force-eth to attend-eth a Rennaisance Festival in a small town, sleep-eth in a tent (no s’mores thank God), and deal-eth with a mechanic who won’t fix-eth their car because it’s a Renaissance festival and they didn’t have-eth cars in the Renaissance.  Natalie, the maid of honor, misses all of the festivities and her maid-of-honor duties and almost misses the wedding. The bride’s ”best friend”, who is a dead ringer for Joyce DeWitt of Three’s Company,  is corralled into taking over for Natalie, and she likes it a little too much. When Natalie finally arrives, Joyce tells her the wrong church and leaves her with the wrong dress. Wow.

Natalie seems to be a favorite with many and seems to be the go-to girl when a  young(ish) lead is needed. I am not a fan. I do like Corey Sevier, who plays a bit of a nerd. He has the best line in the movie, “When the real men were huntering and gathering, I always preferred to stay at home and read about it.”

Rating: 5 out of 10.

May 20, 2022

The Art of Us

Van Gogh to Hell in a Handbasket

The Art of Us had some “odd for Hallmark” elements in it. Some of which were not unwelcome.

First off, yes, Taylor Cole as Dr. Harper Higgins lies about her Dog Walker/Talented Artist love interest being Vincent Van Gogh’s great-grandson in order to advance her career. So that genuinely crossed the line as far as morals and ethics are concerned. It put other people’s careers and reputations on the line. Hallmark heroines usually do have some foibles and faults to grow past, but being unethical and dishonest for monetary gain is usually not one of them. Especially to people she counts as her colleagues and friends. Secondly, she and her artist actually suffer consequences for their bad behavior. She loses her own career and reputation and he has his show canceled and dismantled. The third aspect that was unusual was that the ex-boyfriend is actually a good honest (and very attractive) guy and the only one smart and educated enough to show any skepticism regarding Tom Becker’s pedigree. Taylor broke up with him because, as an art critic, he told the truth about her art (too technical, no heart or passion) in his review. He was saddened when that truth-telling caused her to quit painting instead of learning and trying again. So yes, Taylor is weak character-wise. the fourth thing is that we forego the 15-20 minutes-to-go in the movie conflict that busts the couple up temporarily. There is a crisis but they face it together.

There were also some big questions to get past in order to buy into the main plot. It is not credible at all that a University art department and respected art dealer would buy into Taylor’s lie about Van Gogh. It is well known that Van Gogh had no children. That such a blockbuster revelation would just be accepted at face value with no investigation is simply ridiculous. That a talented artist would be revealed to be Van Gogh’s great-grandson would be headline news worldwide in the arts community.

I had thought I saw this years ago but I hadn’t. When I saw that it starred Steve Lund, I had to check it out because he is a favorite of mine. He is very engaging, you (I, anyway) really buy into whatever emotion he is trying to convey. There is genuine feeling beyond his words. And when the script calls for it, he can be very funny. He elevates whatever he is in. Taylor Cole? Meh. I can take or leave her. Sometimes she’s pretty good, but in this one she is just average. Maybe her character was to blame though. Everything ends on an upbeat note. It is shown that Tom is on the way to becoming a successful artist, and Harper is happily going back to her own painting with a whole new attitude now that her university career is in shambles.

Rating: 7 out of 10.

February 12, 2022

Grounded for Christmas

Winter Storm Meghan is Back and Better Than Ever!

One of my favorite romantic plot devices is the bringing a fake boyfriend home for whatever reason. This one did a great job thanks mostly to the great chemistry between the two likable leads. Cheryl Ladd as the warm and loving mom was a welcome addition. I have seen her also play a cold ruthless boss this Christmas movie season. She was equally believable in both roles. So that must mean she is a very good actress. And she still looks beautiful. The ex-boyfriend was really creepy, by the way. It was hard to swallow how Nina could ever had had her heart broken by him. Very cute and romantic ending.

Rating: 9 out of 10.

November 15, 2020