Royal

A Royal Setting

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Uneasy Lies the Head…

This was pretty bad. It’s, still another, royal movie. That is to say, we know the plot and the characters before we even get to the big city panorama scene that opens almost all Hallmarks. And this one does not have anything noteworthy about it to lift it out of Royal Disaster territory. The only notable thing about it has nothing to do with the movie, but that it marks Jen Lilley’s return to Hallmark after years of banishment while making movies for the “traditional family and faith” oriented GAF channel (certain types of families and certain types of faiths). By all accounts she is thrilled to be back. It’s too bad Hallmark didn’t see fit to throw her a parade instead of saddling her with this bad excuse for a movie. I am not a fan of Jen Lilley. The only actor I was sorry to see leave Hallmark for GAF was Merritt Patterson, and also actually Candace Cameron Bure because as Hallmark’s Queen of Christmas, they usually gave her above average material to work with.

Ruby is a renowned gemologist, this year’s winner of Gemologist Quarterly’s Gemologist Inspirational Gem Award. And yes, I put the movie on pause to read that right off the cover. She is based in New York and has been hired by the Crown Prince of Gullion to restore the family jewels and make them beautiful again for his looming coronation and 700 year old Gullion’s “Centennial”. So things got off to a bad start with me right away. He did not need a Gemologist, whose profession identifies and evaluates gemstones to ensure their authenticity, grade, and value. He needed a jar of jewelry cleaner, a qualified jewelry designer, or the royal jeweler which they actually had on staff. And it is more likely that the settings of the jewels might have needed restoration, not the stones themselves. Unless they have been stored in a Junk Yard under a Dumpster somewhere, which they demonstrably have not. 

Ruby has a flat tire on the way to the palace and in order to make her appointment with The Prince, which is happening “right now”, as she tells her Royal Taxi Driver, she decides to walk the rest of the way in her heels dragging a heavy suitcase behind her which she needs for her meeting. Not wanting to wait while the flat tire got fixed. But mysteriously fixed it was, and she is picked up after probably about a mile or so of sweaty walking down the dirt road. But not before she meets the prince anonymously on his royal run and they flirt a lot. Why she doesn’t know what he looks like is a mystery. There are a lot of mysteries in this. Like why the prince is off royally running when he is supposed to be meeting his gemologist. The Prince is played by Dan Jeannotte who has carved out quite a career playing characters of noble blood. It’s his specialty. Also when she gets to the castle palace the Personal Advisor to the Queen takes her to the royal “Game’s Room”, where she will be working, to “freshen up” and not to her bedroom with hopefully an adjoining bathroom where there is hopefully some soap, water, and a comb for her very thick luxuriant hair. 

As for the rest of the plot, it is the normal one. The Prince wants to change things up and make the monarchy more accessible to “the people.” And the queen, along with her mean and bossy “Personal Advisor” is all about tradition and wants to maintain the stodgy status quo. The word “tradition” is uttered even more than the word “gemologist.” Also, the Queen and the Personal Advisor want The Prince to marry someone who is not a jewelry cleaner, excuse me, “gemologist”, from New York, specifically another member of the nobility. That would be Jory, who just happens to be the Personal Advisor’s daughter. Jory, who evidently takes after her father, is not one of those nasty jealous princesslets. She is nice, but her problem is that she is in love with Prince Luca’s general factotum/butler/companion/bodyguard a.k.a. “Head of House” who is also nice. The Prince invites Ruby to the Garden Lighting Festival of (very few) Flowers which, much to the dismay of The Queen and the Personal Advisor, the Prince moved from the Palace Garden to the Town Square, where  The Peasants The People can enjoy it too. Just one of his many planned innovations for Gullion. I would have liked to see how the palace garden got moved to the Town Square, but sadly I was disappointed. As  for the festival,  I’ve seen more spring flowers at a Halloween Party. Doesn’t Hallmark have a ready source for flowers like they have for orange and yellow leaves and pumpkins they get for their Fall Into Love movies? Anyhoo, All proceeds to the happy ending with Prince and Gemologist falling into Insta-love, flirting like mad, while the Queen realizes the error of her ways thanks to some armchair therapy courtesy of Prince Luca. The Personal Advisor is shocked, I tell you shocked, that her daughter has fallen in love with “staff”, but ultimately gives them her blessing. Because Hallmark usually likes villains to be redeemed rather than punished (unfortunately).

Along the way there were two things about this move that sunk it lower than 5 star innocuousness into mediocre territory. First was Ruby’s constant teasing and goading of the guard guarding the crown jewels she was working on. He is meant to be like the guards at Buckingham Palace who have to remain stoic and motionless no matter what while doing their job. And Ruby’s unremitting efforts trying to get him to talk or respond to her was kind of mean and definitely immature. I think it was supposed to be funny and endearing, but I did not find it so. And the topper (pun intended), was the coronation crown that Prince Luca asked Ruby to design. Her lack of qualifications to do so was evident in the finished product which looked like the crown on the Creepy Burger King mascot. See the above poster. Really cheap, dull, and embarrassing. Much like this movie. Jen Lilly, you are not my favorite, but you deserved better than this. 

Rating: 3 out of 10.

A Suite Holiday Romance

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“Oh My Lord!”

~~Eloise (on the tippy top floor of The Plaza)

This is one of those Hallmarks that feels like it has to retcon what we have seen and heard with our own eyes and ears in order to create a last minute drama that tears the couple apart so they can get them back together at the very very end. In this one it is the “You’ve Been Lying to Me the Whole Time!” scenario. I understand that this is the formula. And I really don’t mind it when there is a reason for the conflict and drama. Like if the guy or girl had really actually been actually lying to the other one the whole time. But in this case, there was no lying to be had. At All. Well Ok, maybe just a little bit very near the end, when he realizes for the first time that she thinks he is someone he is not. He doesn’t immediately correct her misapprehension. It would have been difficult. He is in a state of shock probably because he is thinking she was only pretending to love him because she thought he was a higher status person than he actually was. Depressed as well, probably. And it’s too bad, because otherwise this was a pretty good Hallmark.

By virtue of a great article she wrote about Hazel Holley,  a famous children’s book author, Sabrina, our heroine, has been tapped to ghost write the memoirs of a great world famous art-broker.  He, Grayson Westcott, was once Hazel Holley’s butler while she lived at the famous Grand Fairbanks Hotel in Manhattan while writing her books. This book series is about a little girl named Cordelia who lives at this same world renowned and very fancy hotel. If you are familiar with Kay Thompson’s children’s series about Eloise and The Plaza, you will recognize a lot of parallels with this movie. Right down to Sabrina staying in the “Cordelia Suite” and a huge oil painting portrait of “Cordelia” in a place of honor. So that was fun! Also staying at the same luxurious hotel, is Lord Braxton, who is vaguely part of the royal family of England, and his secretary, Ian, who also works for the family’s charity, “Read for the Stars”. They are there to exhibit the Braxton family’s jewelry collection to raise money for this charity which fosters reading skills for learning disabled children. After they have their meet-cute (she starts to eat his delicious-looking sandwich by mistake at the hotel bar), Ian and Sabrina form an instant connection, start doing stuff together (remarkably not ice skating at Rockefeller Center, however), and fall in love.  Meanwhile Ian is trying to keep the immature and fun-loving Lord Spencer Braxton out of trouble, specifically keeping him from proposing marriage to the hotel jewelry clerk (who is doing post graduate work on the Victorian author, Elizabeth Gaskell. Kudos there, script writer!). Also meanwhile, Sabrina is interviewing Grayson Westcott for her book. He tells her the story of his love affair with an 18-year-old debutante while he was taking care of Hazel Holley. It ended sadly because she had to go to London to fulfill her dream and the dream of choice of seemingly all young Hallmark heroines: being a fashion designer. They keep in touch but when he finds out down the road that her family lost their money and her fashion designer dream is dead, he doesn’t go to her rescue. This was badly done on Grayson’s part and quite a plot hole. Especially since when she was rich he didn’t think he was good enough for her. 

Now the crux of the matter, which everyone sees coming. Thanks to Sabrina’s daffy and obnoxious friend, Sabrina thinks that Ian is really Spencer the royal Lord, but he is just calling himself Ian to protect his privacy. The fact that Ian, she thinks, is royalty and very rich doesn’t seem to bother her too much at first *wink*, but she finally realizes that the romance cannot be because they live in two different worlds and two different countries. So inspired by Grayson’s frustrated romance, she writes him a letter breaking up with him. Please note that he never lies to her except when he finally realizes, near the end, that she has the wrong end of the stick and thinks he is a rich royal and not a lowly secretary. At that point he is shocked, discombobulated, and he doesn’t know how to tell her the truth. And then she breaks up with him before he can set her straight. All this while, Sabrina knows he has no idea that she thinks he is a Royal. Very early on, she comments to him that he didn’t tell her he was “with” the Braxtons. Not that he was Lord Braxton, but “with” the Braxtons. And later than that, when their romance is in full swing, she tells her flakey friend that Ian has no idea that she knows he is really royalty. In other words Ian thinks she thinks he is just a normal guy. Which he is. After a pow-wow with Grayson, she has a change of heart and decides to try to make their relationship work despite the challenge of him being a Royal and all. But when the truth is finally publicly revealed she stalks off accusing him of lying to her “the whole time.” and “Was any of this even real?!” The only unreal part was what was going on in her own head. You’d think she’d be happy. How could he be lying to her? He never claimed to be a Royal, and thought she knew that. Which she knew. My head is still spinning.

Other than that, I liked the movie. It was good to see Jessy Schram again after 2 Hallmark-free years. The male lead was good as was Adam Hurtig as the volatile Spencer Braxton. The production was very well mounted with the hotel and New York City background. And, small spoiler, I’ll never have a quarrel with three happy endings. But it lost a star due to the rewrite of established facts.

Rating: 6 out of 10.

A Royal Montana Christmas

/ Rebekahrox / 6 Comments
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Dude!

It’s not often that I have nothing to say. The title says it all. But it’s the Saturday premiere of the first movie in Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas. So. The overscheduled and stressed out Princess Victoria of Zelarnia escapes to a Montana dude ranch where she went as a child with her late father for a little R and R and falls for Huntley, the son of the owners. Besides having no free time in Zelarnia she is discouraged from being herself or straying outside the lines in any way, shape, or form while doing her princessly duties. After Christmas she will be taking over for her mother the queen full time. Luckily her mother is supportive and Victoria doesn’t really so much as “escape” but is allowed to go to Montana as long as she takes her head scheduler and assistant, Gabriel along with her and is back by December 19th for the official lighting of the third Advent candle. Also she has a nice sister, who is much more suited for her duties than Victoria is, to fill in. Gabriel is from New York City, and he will help Victoria navigate the strange ranch customs of America. In the one amusing line, Gabriel protests that the only ranch he is “acquainted with is ranch dressing.”

And that is pretty much that. No one recognizes her at all, so there is no cloak and dagger hiding her identity or escaping from the paparazzi going on. The fact that she is a royal princess doesn’t really play into the story at all. No culture shock, no nothing. She might as well be another Hallmark American stressed out business woman on vacation. Except for the German (?) accent. Even citified prissy Gabriel is a good sport about all they have to go through. For some strange reason, Victoria and Gabriel, paying guests mind you, are given nasty chores on their first day including mucking out the stalls (“Charlie made a big ole mess last night.” snicker snicker. Charlie being a horse.) There is some mystery about why they no longer have the annual Christmas dance which Victoria remembers so fondly.  But with the help of Huntley’s gorgeous high school friend, Shelby, she enthusiastically and competently revives it to raise money for the volunteer fire department. Shelby is nice and even though she and Huntley were the homecoming Queen and King there is no romance there at all. Drama and misunderstandings averted. Huntley’s deal is that he used to be a baseball player and even made it to the pros. But he blew out his rotator cuff during his first spring training, letting down his community who cheered him on at the last Christmas Dance that they held many years ago.  Next year’s dance was canceled because his parents were too busy seeing to his recovery. Ever since, instead of helping his parents run the ranch full time he has been assistant coaching unhappily in the minor leagues there in the hinterlands of Billings Montana and struggling with some kind of complex for letting down his community. The community doesn’t care, bro. They are too busy with their own lives.

When the Christmas dance is scheduled the day after Victoria is supposed to leave she just calls up her mom and gets an extension. No problemo. Meanwhile Huntley and Victoria have fallen in love while doing ranch activities under the big sky of Montana. At one point things get serious (they almost kiss) and she tells him she is a real princess. No problemo. Even though he is now going to help run the ranch full time, and her destiny is in Zelarnia, they are going to work it out and be together “as a team”, “whatever that looks like.” Holy matrimony is not mentioned. Sure enough, she goes back to Zelarnia to light the last Advent candle, and comes back seemingly the next day (going by what I know about Advent Candles) on Christmas to live the dream in Montana with her mother and sister in tow. They fit right in and little sis happily agrees to take over Victoria’s princess duties for ever after they get back home.

This one was not an auspicious start to Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas 2025 version. Fiona Gubelman and Warren Christie were well cast, had good chemistry and did the best they could with a really boring script. Warren looks excellent in a Cowboy hat and the kisses were solid.

Rating: 5 out of 10.

Royal-ish

/ Rebekahrox / 3 Comments

Pretty in Pink-ish

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If you need a sweet and frothy confection to de-stress at the end of a long arduous day, keep this one on your DVR to peek in on as needed. It will surely do the trick. There are no worries about hard to explain motivations and plot points or frustrations about things occurring in the story that would never or should never happen in real life. The characters do not sabotage themselves with dopey mis-communications or by jumping to unfounded and disastrous conclusions with life altering consequences at stake. It’s just one Non-Grimm-like  big pink perky sparkles fairytale. And does not aspire to be anything else. And that makes it OK in my book. Perfectly fine. There is a place for these type of stories, while I acknowledge that they are not for everyone.

9-year-old Princess Rose of Bella Moritz is afraid to get back up on the horse (literally) after a fall off the horse 3 weeks before she will be bound by tradition to ride a horse in a procession through the country for the Order of the Lily. In order to restore her self confidence, her father, Prince Henry, thinks it would be a good idea for her to talk with another princess to encourage her and assure her that she is a brave girl who can do hard things. So where will he take her for this pep talk from another royal? No not to his cousins in Androvia or Glasswick, England.  But where else but “Once Upon A Time Land” in the Emerald Amusement Park in far off Virginia, America? There they meet Lacey who plays the amusement park Princess Sweet Pea and all three of them form an immediate connection. Since Lacey/Sweet Pea tells Rose about her experiences with horses when she was a little girl and gets her to ride a horse on a merry-go-round, Prince Henry decides that she is the woman who can help his daughter ride a royal steed in the traditional parade. She better be, because if P. Rose does not greet her subjects from a horse, but in disgrace from the royal carriage, he has agreed to cede control of his daughter’s education to his stuffy old-fashioned mother. That means semi-imprisonment away from normal life in the isolated castle, rather than her regular school where she can be with other children her own age.

Also the Wicked-ish Queen (at least we are led to believe she is kinda wicked) will take his decision to hire Lacey to help his daughter as a sign of bad judgement and will not go through with her planned abdication of her throne. The Prince wants to free the crown of the hide-bound traditions that are holding the monarchy and his country back and for sure does not want to be condemned to his current ceremonial role with no power for years to come. Ahem, we’re looking at you, King Charles of England. But are we worried? Heck no, we are not worried! Because we know there is No Way In Hell that spunky American Lacey will fail in her assignment to get the brave little princess to ride in that parade! Plus, even The Queen, being the loving grandmother she is, sees that Lacey is doing a great job andplus they bond over Maeve Binchy books, of all things. Even when Lacey flees back to America (Skipping the Ball!!!!) because the bad guy, the head of something or other, whispers discouraging words in her ear, we are not worried because his villainy is overheard by the nice governess.

Lacey is played by Nichole Sakura whom I really liked for her wholesome girl-next-door looks and vibe. I also liked William Mosely who played the prince. He was cute and did nothing to irritate me although I was not a fan of his mop-top hairstyle especially when he put a baseball cap on top of it. Young Francesca Europa was a perfectly refined little princess, and half the time, I couldn’t tell whether Emily Swain, as the Queen,  was smiling or frowning  which actually turned out to be a plus. I also liked that at the end Lacey doesn’t react to her broken romance by crying inconsolably and drowning her sorrows in junk food and ice cream. No she gets busy applying for Master’s programs so she can get her advanced degree in psychology with an emphasis in equine therapy. Six months later, after she is fetched back to Bella-Moritz, she is running such a program when she accepts Prince Henry’s proposal of marriage.  Thus ends the semi-trilogy of movies about 3 princely cousins finding their happy Hallmark destinies. Next stop? The Spring into Love series. The first one of which marks the long-hoped-for return of the wonderful Steve Lund after a lengthy and rather mysterious absence from Hallmark Land.

Rating: 7 out of 10.

The Reluctant Royal

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Royal Romance, Chapter One Billion. But Wait.

**Spoilers. In name only.**

This movie is about a blue collar Pittsburgh mechanic who is discovered to be the forgotten heir of a dukedom in England (real country!) and is reluctantly talked into meeting the duke, his father, and possibly claiming his lands, title, and the aristocratic girl. 

Of the dozens and dozens (and more dozens, including TV romances on other channels) of royal romance movies that Hallmark has produced in recent years only two have featured a commoner guy and an aristocratic girl. It’s usually a princely type guy and a commoner girl. The only ones I could dig up were Royal Runaway Romance and Once Upon a Holiday. And those were about the princesses coming to America, The Land of Commoners, to find love with their regular guys. So this is, dare I say, a unique take? At least for Hallmark?  I can’t be the only one who finds the Low guy/High girl romance trope appealing. Why is it so rare? I will leave the question for sociologists and cinematic and literary history buffs to figure out.  But it’s interesting. In fact, the only other similar movie I can think of, of any sort other than this, is 1991’s King Ralph with John Goodman and Peter O’Toole. And even that one had the low guy ending up with the low girl.

Other than the role reversal aspect, this one followed the planogram for Hallmark royal romances to a “T”.  Hallmark institution Andrew Walker plays Johnny Payne, whose mother, a former nightclub singer married “Billy” who turned out to be a runaway royal duke. Billy’s father successfully pressured him back to England in the name of duty, and the marriage was annulled, Billy not knowing about Dottie’s pregnancy. Shades of Amanda Bynes’ What Every Girl Wants! In the present day, Duke William’s ward and loyal advisor (former regular girl Prudence) discovers the existence of Johnny and goes to America to bring him back. A good judge of character, she wants to prevent the mother of all dickheads, Alistair, from inheriting the dukedom and being mean to the servants and villagers. Johnny agrees to go in order to meet the bad dad who abandoned him and his mother and give him a piece of his mind. He ends up bonding with Prudence, all of the servants and sundry other low-borns on the estate and in the pubs, and finally Dear Old Dad, over the restoration of a Triumph GT-6. Of course, the estate is in financial hot water, as all English estates are, and he fixes that too. All the while tangling with and triumphing over Awful Alistair (and his mother). Disaster looms when Alistair sneakily finds out that Johnny’s mom had the marriage annulled before Johnny was born, thus throwing his heirship into jeopardy. 

All is settled happily in a flurry of discoveries, featuring a forged signature and old stolen letters. A first class plane ticket for Dottie, Johnny’s mom, is not far behind, as well as a delightful final reveal. Despite the utter predictability and eye-rollingly cringe moments here and there, this was a rather fun and light-hearted little diversion which I choose not to judge too harshly. I particularly enjoyed Emilie de Ravin’s Prudence, and Simon Coury as Duke William who started out sad and tired but was revitalized by meeting his long lost son. Fiach Kunz as Alistair was very hateful and Andrew Walker attractive and reliable as ever as Johnny. Actually, I did remember a similar Low guy/High girl dynamic in a Hallmark movie. Not surprisingly, it’s one of my all time favorites, Midnight Masquerade, a role-reversal modern take on Cinderella. And it may be time for another look at King Ralph.

Rating: 6.5 out of 10.

The Royal We

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What About the Foundation?

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There are some early reviews in and I seem to be an outlier on this one. I didn’t love it. It was OK. It had some cute quips and overall was inoffensive but a lot of things  didn’t make a ton of sense. Which to be fair, a lot of things in a lot of Hallmarks, especially royal Hallmarks, don’t. But this one seemed to try to be conveying some worthy if hackneyed message about girls’ empowerment, while subverting that message with many of the goings on in the movie. I can’t say that it was taking itself too seriously going by the over the top caricatures in the royal family and the butler/minder/official babysitter character always hovering either benignly or menacingly in these royal movies. And of course, we have the down to earth quirky best friend character as well. The latter characters actually turned out to be bright spots. The butler was played by Simon Kunz who fulfilled the same duties in this as he did so memorably as Martin in Lindsey Lohan’s remake of The Parent Trap. Rae Lin as the best friend seemed to be channeling Awkwafina in Crazy Rich Asians or Heather Matarazzo in The Princess Diaries and did a darn good job of it.   But overall, the message Princess Bea was sending to girls with her life’s work with the foundation was made to seem all talk but no walk.

It started with our first scene with Princess Beatrice. She is hiding under her covers with mascara streaming down her face on the Monday morning following a weekend crying and junk food-eating-ice-cream-out-of-the-carton binge. Because her boyfriend broke up with her via text message. I was really curious about this because Beatrice, who no one knows is a princess yet, is played by absolutely gorgeous Mallory Janson and whose character, we learn later,  seems like a very intelligent and nice lady with a nice personality. I mean what kind of a jerk was this guy? And what were his good qualities that would so reduce this 33-year-old woman to a puddle of misery over being dumped by the likes of him? Alas we will never know. He is never mentioned again. There are more important games afoot. Bea is the founder and head of a foundation for underserved girls interested in education and careers related to STEM. She gets cleaned up from her pitiful pity-fest to win a grant for her already successful organization from another organization. On the way back home she is stalked then cornered in a dark alley by two black SUVs with men in black popping out to take her and her loyal buddy to a hotel to meet Prince Desmond so he can propose marriage. Way to pave the way, Dude. A real charm offensive. Not surprisingly, after an argumentative first meeting she turns him down. See, her older sister, who was heir to throne, broke her public engagement to Desmond to elope with a commoner. And a plumber, to boot! Since the marriage was meant to mend a 3oo-year-old rift between Bea’s country and Desmond’s country, the only solution to a rapprochement between the two is for Desmond to marry Bea instead, who is now heir to her countries throne.  After turning him down, she changes her mind when she finds out he is a pretty good guy after all under his stiff buttoned-up princeliness. She gets him to sneak out of the hotel for pizza and bowling and he confides that he and Polo ponies don’t get along. That seals the deal and now its off to country-ends-in-rovia and it’s neighboring country-ends-in-ierrie for the engaged couple to meet the parents and the public and to attend a summit. I’ll stop there with the recap, but for a movie that touts female empowerment, there are too many scenes of her getting patronized and scolded by underlings, and being forced into an unneeded makeover and other style over substance situations. With her making nary a peep of protest or foot-putting down. They also make her wear ugly and unflattering nearly identical gowns that all look like cinched in kaftans. She rebels only once to go to the palace gate to receive a flower from a peasant child instead of being hustled into the palace by bodyguards. #ThePrincessofthePeople! There are a lot of amusing hashtags in this but I only caught a few as they go by so fast you couldn’t read them. The good thing is that all of the publicity has been really good for her foundation.  But is it the right message to send “their girls” that their mentor has been dragooned into a political marriage and taken away from the good work of  running her foundation? And they are getting the grant not on their merits but because of her now famous Princess status?

**spoilers**

At the end, Bea finally comes into her own empowerment-wise by calling a halt to the silliness and resolving the conflict between the two kings and brokering an agreement to unify the two kingdoms. This makes Desmond’s and Bea’s marriage unnecessary after all and they publicly call it off. But now they really love each other. This leads to a really dumb reconciliation scene. Desmond is driving away in a motorcade and miles and miles away, (across the border, in fact) from Bea and her palace when he changes his mind. Little does he know that Bea is chasing after him in a Vespa but they run out of gas. She starts to run down the road to catch the motorcade still speeding away as far as she knows. Lolwut? Hilarious. I guess she left her cell phone at home. Desmond, also cell phone-less, I guess, gets out of the car and starts running back to Bea in his dress shoes. As far as he knows, she is still at the palace. What was he thinking? Couldn’t he have just commandeered one of the limos and driven himself back? He wasn’t exactly just at the end of the driveway. Oh well. He may not have any common sense, but he does have a flare for the dramatic.  Luckily he catches a ride with a farmer, saving the day. They meet at the border where there is another marriage proposal and a reply in the affirmative. There are a couple of cute scenes at the end, circling back to a couple they met at the bowling alley and introducing the two royal movies that are to follow this one later in the month. Fingers crossed that those make more sense. No word on who is going to run her so important and beloved foundation she has dedicated her life to going forward.

Rating: 6 out of 10.

Codename Charming

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by Lucy Parker

What a disappointment! I really like Lucy Parker. Love her, even. I’ve only given one of her books 3 stars rather than 4 or 5 and that was the first one in this very series, Battle Royal. I think there is more than one reason why this one did not engage me. While reading the book, at about 40% mark, I realized I was bored and not enjoying it. As I went through, I gave this a lot of thought. Which just emphasizes how disengaged from the story I was, I guess. I loved the atmosphere and setting of her London Celebrities series which was set in the West End of London. The banter was literate, sparkling, and sharp as one would expect from sophisticated and worldly theatre types. It all seemed very authentic and I felt immersed in that fascinating and glamorous world. They were not cheesy. This spin-off from Battle Royal takes on the story of Pet, Gus’s sister, and the bodyguard who was on duty when Johnny Marchmont was attacked and Pet saved him from serious injury. Johnny is the sweet and shy fiance` of a princess in a fictional royal family in nonfictional England who “has two left feet, one of which was usually lodged squarely in his mouth.” In this book, Johnny and Princess Rosie are happily married and Pet has become his personal assistant.

Somehow the tabloid press has latched on to the idea that Johnny and Pet are having an affair. To counter that, the palace cooks up a fake romance between Matthias, Johnny’s bodyguard, and Pet. I think the book relied too much on the readers being sufficiently entertained by the eccentricity and glamour of the main and surrounding characters being royalty or royal insiders. There is some entertainment value there, as most of the family members we meet are quirky, and the constant battle with the “Paps” and other elements of life amongst the Royals are vaguely interesting. But, besides the progression of the romance, there really isn’t much of a secondary plot to add mystery or suspense or drama, as with her other novels. There is a small subplot of Pet learning of her real parentage, but this didn’t seem all that important or put very much at stake. Another about the tortured past of Matthias was just the same old-same old. Much of the situational humor seemed contrived. The hiding in the closet while the Spanish ambassador’s husband and the Chancellor of the Exchequer were having sex went on For-Ev-Er. To say nothing of the parrot.

The main idea of the romantic relationship is that Pet is a “human sunbeam” and very tiny pretty pixie-girl and Matthias is a brawny, hulking, ”ugly”, and taciturn. Unlike Lucy Parker’s other couples, who all had their careers and social circles in the same rarefied world, these two have nothing in common other than described-in-great-detail trauma in their past. This does not lead to a lot of sparkling conversation and witty quick banter that was such an attraction in her other books. And the size thing was way overdone to the point it became almost cartoonish. We just have a lot of physical attraction and a lot of inner dialogue and musings about what lies beneath the surface. It goes on and on analyzing feelings and reviewing past interactions often in the middle of a conversation. One of them will make a comment and then “blah blah blah” and the response isn’t until pages later. This slows the book down to a crawl.

The Beauty and the Beast trope is usually a good one for me, and the love story might have earned at least 3 stars despite its problems. Unfortunately, the last book I read by her, Artistic License had the same exact theme. As far as the H/h’s physical appearance, personality, and the Hero’s business with the heroine it was practically a carbon copy. (He is a security specialist protecting a shy girl whose life is in danger). This isn’t Lucy Parker’s fault as this was a very early book she wrote under another name. I don’t blame her for reaching back across the years to borrow elements of an old plotline and trying to do it better. But she didn’t do it better. It was just unfortunate timing on my part. There are flashes of good funny writing in this, but sorry, most of the time it was just slow and boring for me, and even when I sped up my reading speed to the max, it seemed like it took forever to finish it.

Rating: 2 out of 5.

A Royal Christmas Crush

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Crushed Ice

This is another Royal Christmas Whatever movie that not only brings nothing to the table but rips the tablecloth out from underneath whatever was there in the first place. To say it was tired and formulaic gives it too much credit. This includes the setting of the Ice Castle Hotel/House/Igloo /Whatever it was in at least the 3rd Hallmark movie in as many years to feature that frozen fortress. I do not even have to summarize the plot because you already know what happens. Stephen Huszar played the prince and if you are a fan, he has a hot tub scene with the heroine, who, may I add, is fully clothed. But I am not a fan of him or his chest. Nothing against him, he is a perfectly serviceable Hallmark Hunk who does not, unfortunately, appeal to me. Newcomer Katie Cassidy plays Ava Jenson (Yenson), a successful respected architect who comes to the Scandinavian Kingdom of Friorland (the “o” has a line through it) to help her Uncle put the finishing touches on the Ice-thingy. Newly single Prince Olaf or whatever his name is is smitten at once while Ava, though acknowledging his pulchritude does that ol’ “my career comes first and I am here to work and not get my uncle in trouble by flirting with a prince” thing. But she is won over during a very awkward day-long and half the night “date” to an isolated but luxurious cabin in the wilderness. They are scenically (white reindeer, Arctic foxes, Northern lights) driven there in a one-horse open sleigh driven by a coachman who mysteriously and permanently disappears into the wilderness so the couple can have their privacy. Nothing happens (she sketches environmentally correct emergency shelters for poor people while he lays out an indoor picnic) but it is sufficient to seal the deal on their “love.”

Now for the bad guys.

It’s not the King and Queen. They are happily married loving parents, although they want Olaf to get married to a proper suitable young lady who is not a scary American. The main evil one is their almost royal head-of-something-or-other who is a stone-cold bitch. She is not very ably assisted by her smug and boring daughter who is the one everyone but Olaf wants Olaf to marry. Actually, his name is Henry. Too talented for this role, Kathryn Kohut plays Sigrid, the daughter. The other cohort is Henry’s own assistant. He starts out not too evil, just bossy and disapproving but by the end is perniciously conspiring with Bitchy McMeany to sully Ava’s name. The successful scheme is so ethically low-down that even the resident paparazzo wants nothing to do with it. **Spoiler**The one light at the end of the tunnel was the anticipation of the evil schemers getting their comeuppance and, if not put to death, at least banished from the Kingdom. I couldn’t wait. But no. In a whiplash-inducing about-face, they turn all nice for no reason other than “Henry looked so sad” and are instrumental in getting Ava back to the palace in time to reunite with the Prince at…wait for it…The Christmas Ball.  It was actually kind of fascinating how they did that. They even let Ava borrow the daughter’s ball gown. Henry looks sternly at them and says he “will talk to them later.”  Needless to say, that is not the gleefully painful end I was hoping for. 4 melted ice cubes. But if you are addicted to Royal-themed romances or Ice Hotels, and have a low bar for these things, you might like it.

Rating: 4 out of 10.

The Royal Nanny

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Scary Poppins 

**Spoilers**

I do like it when Hallmark goes to England, and this was no exception. Rachel Skarsten is good, as usual, and very striking looking with her hair up. No long overprocessed ringlets, thank goodness. Her English accent was a little distracting, but that was a me problem as she has the accent credentials once playing Elizabeth Tudor in the popular series Reign. But I digress. Enough about Rachel.

This had elements of a typical Nannyfish out of water taking care of precocious Royal Children and falling for the Prince. But this usual template is rescued from dreary business-as-usual by the fact that this was also part MI5 spy story. Agent Rachel helps uncover a plot against the Royal Family and the military intelligence department sends her to protect the family disguised as the new nanny. She is partnered by Tousaint Meghie as Wallace, the new chauffeur. She resists the assignment because she grew up in an orphanage and has zero experience with children. She goes through a whirlwind training by the Nanny Whisperer, Greta Scacchi, who has aged gracefully and settled into character parts very comfortably, thank you very much. Her specialty is weaponizing the ever-present Nanny umbrella. Once she is installed, high jinks ensue with the kids trying to prank her. She is not MI5 for nothing and their amateur efforts are nipped in the bud quite resoundingly with the bucket of spaghetti landing on their co-conspirator, Uncle Colin (the love interest). She wins the kids over by not ratting them out to their mother, the Princess, and even indulging in a prank of her own. The princess is a dead ringer for Felicity Jones, BTW. Of course, we have the inevitable invitation to the Royal Ball and a jaw-dropping entrance. She wins Colin over when he sees her with her hair down (in an unfortunate return to her long ringlets) and in a feminine ball dress. But also by jumping in to help with his charity coincidentally benefitting her old orphanage. The enemies attack as they are exiting and Rachel saves the kids with some ninja umbrella action, but Colin gets kidnapped.

The romance was lame with little chemistry between the two lovebirds and really had no future despite the kiss at the end. The spy part was adequate. I suspected one character, who turned out to be guilty of something, but not of the main threat of harming the children. When Colin gets kidnapped, Rachel’s boss tries to fire her but the princess stands up for her and throws the male spooks out on their ear. Yay! The main bad guy and the motive will be no surprise to anyone with even a passing interest in British mystery and international intrigue stories, but that was totally OK. In a good scene, Rachel has some succinct words for any bad guys thinking that the end justifies the means: “You can never do right by doing wrong.” And her reply to a common defense: “This job. It changes you.” “I think it just makes you more of who you are.” Simplistic, but usually true.

Rating: 7 out of 10.

A Royal Runaway Romance

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” So You Went and Fell in Love with a Princess.”

A royal on a road trip. What could go wrong? This one was ripe for every cliche in the book being a mash-up of two popular Hallmark tropes. But it was actually pretty good. Yes, we had a festival, S’mores at the fireside, save the Bed-and-Breakfast, and a ranch family reconciliation, but thanks to excellent rapport and chemistry between the two lead characters it was slightly above average for me.

The Princess of Bundleberry? Burberry? (obviously not an eastern or southern European  country because it doesn’t end in “ia”) falls for the Chicago, America artist who is painting her portrait. When he goes back home, she schemes to follow him by visiting her Uncle in California. Once in California, her passport is confiscated (S.O.P. for royals in case they want to fly the coop) and she is forced to drive instead of fly to Chicago where the supremely barely interested artist is having a showing. Meanwhile, she is assigned a bodyguard/watchdog. Her Uncle sympathizes with her predicament and gives her his blessing to follow her heart, as he once did, and hires the reluctant (he’s about to go on vacation) bodyguard to drive her across the American west to Chicago (in a gorgeous vintage Mustang) to see if there is a future with this artist fellow. Of course,  the alert viewer understands that there is no chance of this thanks to many clues.

A couple of things pulled this out of the mire. First, the princess, played by newcomer Philippa Northeast, who started out stiff and boring, really opened up once she started experiencing “typical” American culture. Her enthusiasm and embrace of diners, food, festivals, salt of the earth Americans, and the beautiful expanse of the United States was very endearing. The romance going on between her and the bodyguard was well constructed. In addition to the fun they have along the way, they also have a few serious conversations that contribute to their friendship and understanding. He always maintains his professionalism despite being friendly and nice so there was a slow burn thing going on. There is the anticipation of her reunion with the artist and what’s going to happen. We know he was just casually flirting with her in Buttleberry and he is more involved with his career than with a relationship with her. His cavalier treatment was a stretch since he probably owed his current popularity to painting her portrait, she is beautiful and nice, and he is single. We know he is not gay, because that role is filled by the understanding Uncle. Yet he disses her every step of the way, not even returning her calls.  You gotta kind of admire his chutzpah, actually.

I need not say more about how this all plays out except to say it is a much better ending than Roman Holiday.

Rating: 7 out of 10.

April 14, 2022